Book Of Words

a c e

I sighed, making a small cloud as I breathed out. The wind was cold and chilly since winter was coming. Even with my boots, my legs still shivered and it felt like it was getting cold every second. I slipped my hands into my coat pockets, praying they won't freeze in the cold. 

Even as a little kid, I knew there was something wrong with me. I tried to exterminate it but it was still there so I decided to hide it. Hiding things as it turned out, will be found out sooner or later. My hiding was found yesterday. One of my classmates (I think it was Boris) pulled out a deck of cards from his schoolbag and decided to have a gambling match with anyone who knows how to gamble. We all knew it was against the school rules, everybody did and so I did but I felt something spark inside me. I couldn't control it so it consumed me.

I stopped at the building I was destined to go. Well, guess what's it? It's a damn building where a psychologist works and he, she, whatever that person is, will start working on my brain. Hopefully, I'll be cured to sanity. Hopefully.

I pulled the glass door open, following the yellow and black instruction pasted on its surface. The place wasn't bad at all. They had positive quotes entombed in frames and hung them on the wall. Quotes like, "Think Positive." and all that cliché and too overused quotes. Yeah, I'll think positive that I'm so damn insane. Thank you for the warm words of courage. 

They had couches around the place and the couches had stuffed animals sitting and I feel like they're looking at me creepily as if saying, "Hello, prepare to meet the devil.". I shivered at the thought.

The psychologist showed up which made me feel a whole lot better. He looked friendly and old. A warm smile plastered on his lips. He was bald and it made it harder for me to determine the length of his forehead. He looked friendly enough even if he was old (Did I just say that twice?). 

I always had some kind of 'trauma' with old people because they tend to rant over things too much and they jump into the very wrong conclusions. Like me having a secret relationship to the teacher since she was friendly and I liked her attitude which made me talk about her often on family dinners. I was like, "I'm hella straight so I don't date girls!". Well, setting that aside, my teacher is very attractive and very kind so who wouldn't like her? I'll destroy my straightness just to marry a sweet lady like her.

M'kay, I thought, I think I can trust this old feller.

"Ms. Ackerman?" He said with a clear voice, eyeing me, "Ms. Mikasa Ackerman, is it?"

"Yes." I answered.

"Great! I'm Dot Pixis and I'm here to help you." He beamed, more warmly than the previous one, "I'm not going to hurt you, I'm here to help."

He gestured me to follow him to his 'office'(that's how I see it). I followed, looking around if there were any other patients and there were some. Looking miserable, looking murderous, looking thirsty, looking calm. 

As I followed him, I saw a number of other 'offices' with people in it. Some were empty, the doctor was probably on his or her way, I figured. His place was located at the second floor so we had to take the elevator. He pressed the glowing number two on the elevator and the doors hummed shut and we waited. Not long, though. The doors dinged open and I walked out along with Dr. Pixis and I tailed him to the way of his 'office'. 

I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings so I could hardly describe what it looked like but I remembered that I was sitting on a chair. I know, my mind's shitty but maybe I was just spacing out too much that day. 

I couldn't remember what he talked about that day. He was talking about a whole lot of mumbo jumbo about psychology and mental illnesses, it got so boring I had to yawn out loud to grab his attention.

"Oh, sorry if I was boring, Mikasa. Am I allowed to call you that?" He stopped briefly and I nodded quickly to skip to the main dish right away, "Mikasa, sorry for the delay. Can you tell me about yourself? Problems? Griefs?"

That's when I started to shake. No, my body wasn't shaking. My mind was crumbling. Everything I've ever hidden threatened to spill. My emotions were piling up, mixing, messing up each other. Never in my life I've felt such fear and weakness but yeah, I did feel it. Felt it too much.

"Secrets." I managed but that was all that I ever managed. There was a very long uncomfortable silence after that.

"Mikasa," Dr. Pixis said softly and his tone reminded me of my late father. "There's no need to be afraid of me. I will keep your secrets and the only audience we have are these four walls on this room," He pointed at the walls as if they were beings and were listening. The thought of them listening made me want to rage quit and do karate on them until they break.

"I won't betray you, Mikasa. I am here to help. I will always listen to you."

I will always listen to you. His voice echoed in my brain. Sure, that was a generous gift but I have some serious trust issues. My fingers slid down to my pockets, as if storing my hidden information about myself there. Maybe I can't trust him. Maybe he's someone just like me. I know it's bad to judge but maybe. You can never know with people. 

I wanted to believe him. I sure did but...

"Are you sure?" I asked, eyeing him, "What if you tell others about me?"

"Mikasa..." He sighed, "If you don't tell me anything, I can't help you."

He's right. If I don't cooperate, nothing would happen. I wouldn't feel better and I wouldn't be any better. He'll just have my money without doing any miracle to my messy mind.

I looked down, "I'm sorry."

Okay, guys. The things about the psychologist's place is just merely my speculation. Everything is. Including the other patients. I've never been to a psychologist  before so this is kind of the product of my imagination. Don't believe all of it to be just like it in real life. 

I hope you liked it!