3rd Wheel

Guilt

Paul:

To save money while working on my Masters, I'd moved into Candon's since he was closer to my school and Jaeger insisted. Naturally, Candon and I began to spend more time together doing things partners do, having dinner, talking about little things, groceries, watching tv, going to bed together.

It wasn't sexual but we were a lot closer than casual playmates. The increased closeness made our scenes more intense. He was able to let go more because he knew me more intimately and we played more frequently mainly because both of us were stressed. Me, with school and work and Candon with his company that he ran with Jaeger.

I didn't think Jay would feel left out. It's true we started seeing less and less of him. He also was taking some courses but at a different school and I thought that was the cause. To know we were the cause hurt so fucking much. I cried - for two weeks after Jay left. 

 Candon finally lost his shit at dinner and demanded an explanation. I ignored him and quickly cleaned up the dinner mess.  I'd been avoiding him and giving him weak excuses. Jaeger asked me not to tell. We both knew why. Candon would have forced him to stay.

After an hour, he ran a hand over his face. "Enough of this shit, Paul. Why the fuck are you crying-AGAIN?"

"I'm just...stressed?"  It sounded more like a question.  Hell, I was leagues beyond stressed.  I was in the throes of full blown depression, minus the gallon of ice cream and romcoms.

"Uh-huh." His hazel brown eyes said he wasn't buying it. "Let me call Jaeger." He sat on the edge of the couch and took out his phone. I froze. I couldn't let him call Jaeger. He'd find out.

I reached for his hand trying to get his phone.  "C-Candon, don't."

He brushed me off. "He's studying too hard and you're crying too much and I miss him."

"N-No, that's not a good idea."

He frowned at the phone. "Why do I keep getting his voicemail?"

I rose to my feet.  "He's busy!"  I realized I snapped too late.  My eyes widened and I took a step back.

He stood and looked at me quietly. I could feel his gaze burning into me as the wheels in his head began spinning. I trembled slightly.

"Paul."

Ugh! His voice deepened and had that hard edge that only a dominant has. A voice that takes no shit, demands obedience and truth. I swallowed hard and turned to walk away. "I'll get us some snacks and we'll watch a movie."

Deflection always works, right?

Wrong.

He followed me, standing near the door to the kitchen and leaning on the frame as I busied myself gathering random items. I say that but really I was just opening and closing cabinets and the fridge and pulling out any and everything. When I'm nervous or upset it's like my brain short-circuits and my AdHd goes into hyperdrive.  Everything closes in.  Nothing makes sense.  Yes. No. Maybe.  What was I doing?  Ooh, shiny.

"Stop moving," Candon commanded. I put the popcorn pan down and glared at the burner on the stove like it owed me rent.

"What's going on with Jaeger?"

I didn't answer. My eyes darted around the kitchen looking for an escape. I needed to put distance between us. He's too close. He'd make me tell. I looked up to the two exits. One, he stood in front of. The other...

Out the corner of my eyes I could see he shifted his position and his eyes narrowed. I took a small step to the left to make for the other exit that would take me to the hall that lead to the bedrooms.  I could out run him and lock my door.  He'd be pissed but...

"Don't. You. Fucking. Dare."

I gulped loudly, instantly rooted to the spot. Candon's eyes were blazing with fury as he stalked toward me. A shiver went down my spine and I squeezed my eyes tight. I could feel his dominance and anger permeating the air around us. My breath hitched in my throat and a slight panic washed over me as he came closer.

"Paul, look at me."

I tried to resist but couldn't. I was weak. Weak to his voice, his dominance. Weak to Jaeger's gorgeous smile and gentleness that I wanted back. I slowly opened them and tried to pull back. He was so close I had to look up to meet his eyes. I could feel his heat, smell his cologne, feel his emotions. A rock slid down my throat. I looked away. The intensity was too much. He was too close. I needed space.

"Paul, look at me," he repeated.

I looked into those eyes and started to pull back. He grabbed the back of my neck holding me in place while his eyes searched my soul. I was going to spill. I could feel my resolve melting under the intensity of his gaze.

"What's going on, pet?"

That word. My resistance crumbled as I verbally vomited out everything that happened through a haze of tears. When I was finished, I was a sobbing mess and his face was deathly white beneath his tan.  He hugged me weakly then on shaky legs, he turned and left the condo. He didn't return for two days.

I realized in that moment just how alone Jay must have felt and more than ever I wanted him back so I could make sure he never felt that way again.