ME: THE WEIRD, CRAZY ONE

I hate emotions...

Can I just go goth lol? Kay, well here's my mental breakdown for ya..

I just watched a really cheesy show about two girls and a guy in this weird love triangle thing....

I cried... I'm unashamed XD
But it hit me hard a bit.. too relateable. Waaayy too relateable.

I'm shooketh.. and regretful a bit, but I hate that I am. I just messed up.. I think, or I didn't.. or ideflippink anymore..

I just.. all I know is I lost something.. I never wanted to lose.

Why.. why do I have to be so nice.. I'd do anything for my friends.. and that breaks me I guess.... it breaks me to not let them break. To save them, to stay away.. to back off, to hold it all in. To just...... I-I tried.. I tried to do the right thing. I really did. I tried not to screw it all up cuz I knew how important it was... how priceless, how.. unreplaceable it was. I walked away, and tried to keep things the way they were. it didn't, so it all broke... and.. I lost it all. I helplessly stood there, and watched it all fall away..

I'm too loving, too clingy, too passionate, too trusting.. too hopeful.. it's all too much. I'm too emotional to an extreme, so much that I stopped when it hurt.. so much that I put up those stupid walls.. that I locked myself in, and the world out..... so that nothing could hurt me like that again.

I build all the love.. I build all the emotions. I do everything with all my heart. And it comes back to hurt me even harder than I ever did anything.. I get nothing back, 'cept that.. it all comes crumblin down one way or another. I break.

And... and, it's painful.

I miss them.. the both of em..

And... I'm never.. getting them back..

It's all my fault.. the best friendships I ever had.. gone. and all the memories come back to haunt me. The memories of his eyes while we just stared tryin to figure out what was wrong with me... those incredible talks.. that night, with the two of em.. when we gave each other those three pennies.... the inside jokes.. the fake proposal.... everything.. just everything. I miss it all. It makes me smile and laugh and cry, as I read those old texts.. and yearn to have them again..



So I keep on feelin.. I keep on tryin to love and givin my best, but it keeps on fightin back. And I realise all is lost, everything will be lost.. but I just.... some things I can't let go. And I need to learn to.

As I said I'm too hopeful... and I can't just shut off like that. It hurts, but it'll never hurt more than never having something like that cuz I didn't try to find it.

I'm sorry.. for being like this y'all, I just needed to vent n rant...

It's been over a year and I still can't get over it. I'm so pathetic