Opalescent

Chapter 25: Leumarian Seeded Crystal

• -Opal- •

I groan, dying for the third time in a row in PAC-MAN. I just can't seem to focus, my mind is still on Ollie and how I treated him. My head and heart are in such a battle. Part of me thinks he should know to stay away because he'll only get hurt and the other part of me just wants him with me and to make him feel better. I just want him to hold me and kiss me like the days before.

Remembering those days gets my eyes blurring up with tears, that I just can't seem to keep away. I'm so sorry Ollie, I think. I sigh and bat the tears away and try to focus on the game again. The fresh scars on my thighs and arms are not helping me with my attempt at focusing on another round of the game. The way they rubbed against my jeans and sweatshirt is just too much, but the pain felt valid. I've always felt like I deserved it.

I mentally shook off the bad thoughts again and focused on the small yellow speck. I'm that yellow speck, I can't help but think.

I sigh, deciding PAC-MAN is not helping me figure out what to do. If anything it's making me sadder and more distracted with the endless thoughts and memories of my dad.

I miss him so much. The ache in my chest will never be filled without me telling him how I feel. I can't seem to stop the tears from leaking at this point. I need him so badly.

The night sky is filled with endless stars tonight. My mind starts imagining Dad peaking his head from up there and watching me, but I can't decipher what he's feeling. Is he happy with what I've become? Is he so disgusted by me? Or is he just trying to help me get over all the mistakes I've made?

I don't even notice my feet taking me to the one place I probably need to be most. To my dad.

Realizing the walk there would be too far, I hail a cab from the sidewalk a couple of restaurants down from my favorite one, the one I just left. The memories of my dad, being there with me as he watched me beat him and Mom each time at PAC-MAN, trailing behind me as I enter the taxi.

I tell the man where I need to be and he starts driving again. The car smoothly going to my dad. My heart is beating so fast at the realization of where I'm going, but I have to be there. I have to see him right now.

I need him more than ever.

My mind keeps playing the playlist it's made for him. Endless moments and memories of us and Mom in the park, at the beach, or sometimes when he and I would play board games while Mom was on the phone with her friends.

He was always the happy and caring one. When I'd make a mistake Mom would tell him to send me to my room, and he would, just to please her, but when it was his decision alone he'd just tell me not to do it again and let me ramble about my day to him.

The tears from early make a reappearance and I start to softly sob in my hands. Small hiccups leaving my mouth and filling the air with a soft sound. I miss him so. His scent, his warmth, the smile that always seemed to be on his face, the way he always took care of Mom even when he's been drinking, the way he loved, the way he loved flowers and the way he loved me.

The man driving clears his throat, bringing me back to my surroundings. An unintentional hiccup leaves me as I start wiping my cheeks and pulling my knees up to my chest waiting for us to finally reach the graveyard.

After a few minutes of me trying my best not to cry again, the car slowly comes to a stop. I pay the man and thank him for the ride before exiting and walking up to the front gates.

Walking inside, I'm surprised that I don't feel the chill of being surrounded by the dead. I was expecting this to be like the movies where I'd be terrified by all this and run away, but if anything I felt more okay than ever. I'm finally going to talk to my dad.

I walk past the several headstones of people I don't know and walk to where my dad was buried in his funeral. For once, that thought does not send me crying again.

I feel the strength of my dad with me, holding my hand like I was still a little girl, as I walked towards where he was buried a couple of years ago. The sight of his headstone comes into view and when I start to feel like I might cry again, I push it down. Promising the ache in my heart that this needs to happen. I need to talk to him.

It feels like I'm starting to accept this. Years ago, I was struck by my carelessness and what I had done, but now I realize I can't take it back. The date of his death will keeping coming and haunting me every year, but I can't do anything about it now. This is my life now and I can either mope about it or show my dad that I've learned my lesson and I will appreciate everyone in my life from now on.

I'm sorry this is what it took to learn my lesson, Dad.

I'm not going to take people or moments for granted ever again.

My chest feels like it's sinking when thoughts of Ollie appear but I lock them in a chest for later. Now I have to talk to my Dad.

I stand before his headrest and take a deep breath, trying to be strong. Slowly I sit down by the grey headstone and rest against it.

The thought of him being right underneath me in this place starts to haunt me, it's all brown and grey. Dad was always the one to make sure there was color in the house. He'd put a flower, a rose, or anything in a vase just to make sure we don't live in black and white.

I suddenly realize that's why Mom's kept a vase in our dinning room for every time we ate. It was as if he was with us, listening to the tension in the room that we've both created since he left. I don't think I've had a real conversation with her since he left.

"I'm so sorry, Dad. I didn't mean for this," I whisper, hiding my face in his headstone as if it's his chest, pretending that he was holding me tight against him and letting me cry into him.

I'm going to miss him so much. The part that kills me is that I'll never be able to tell him this.

A/N
I'm going to be posting every after day for the week because we reached 300 followers. I can't express how grateful I am. I'm aware that it's just a number but it means that there are more people interested in my writing now and that excites me so much. That's why I'm going to be treating you guys. Thank you so much.

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