The Perfect Emma

Chapter Fifty-Five

Emma Carroll

"Grayson kissed me."

Emma blurted it out the first moment she had when she was alone with Doctor Simon. After weeks of seeing him, Emma became extremely comfortable with sharing every moment of her life that she saw as significant. Simon even encouraged it, since it helped him help Emma recover.

Leaning her head back in the chair, she let out a slow breath of air and a soft groan. "Oh." Simon said. Emma glanced over to look at her therapist who was blinking his eyes in slight surprise at the sudden statement. Some way to start a session. "Well... how was it?"

"Terrible." Emma exclaimed with a frown and leaned forward in the chair. She rested her forearms on her lap and stared over at Simon who had a somewhat confused face. Oh. Oh. "No - not like he was a bad kisser," Emma waved her hand in the air slightly. If it was only that she would have looked to talking to a friend about his... kissing levels. Of course, her closest female friend was currently kissing her ex-husband... and her closest male friend kissed Emma.

Simon kept his confused face but nodded his head, pretending to at least understand slightly. "Care to explain some more?" He asked politely with a welcoming smile.

Emma stretched out her legs in front of herself and bit her lip softly in thought. "I mean... it was like I liked it but... didn't." Emma started. Remembering that she left out the part about the panic attack, she quickly added it in. "When he kissed me, I had a panic attack. Flashbacks... all the jazz." She murmured unhappily.

Simon bobbed his head sympathetically but watched Emma.

"But I still liked it. Not... necessarily the kiss. I mean, I wish I could enjoy it... but... I don't know." Emma began to grow frustrated while trying to explain it to Simon.

Fortunately, Simon was good at taking the mess that Emma tossed out and putting it into words. Sometimes hearing him say it helped her think about it differently. "Sounds like you enjoy the idea of being with Grayson romantically but the ... physical things take you back to darker places." Simon didn't enjoy to say Aaron's name as much. He did occasionally, but opted to instead give it other names.

Emma moved her eyes to the side while processing his words before bobbing her head in agreement. He was always much better with words. "I do. I mean... I talked with him after. He felt really bad."

"Understandably." Simon said.

"And... I told him I liked him too? I mean... I couldn't really show him any other way without feeling like I was going to set myself off." Emma said with a frown.

Simon nodded his head and rubbed his jaw in his own thought. "Well, do you remember the work we went through to get you to be more comfortable seeing blonds?"

Emma did.

"Take that entire situation but apply it with romantic gestures - kissing, for example. That action, among others no doubt, takes you back to those dark places. Like how we worked with moving past the blonds we need to move past kissing."

It made sense. Hell, Emma had a feeling Doctor Simon was going to say something like that. That wasn't what was up for question. The question was how. "How do I do that?" Emma said with a frown, rubbing her elbow in slight frustration.

Doctor Simon nodded his head and smiled softly. "Well, it's a long process - depending upon where you are at." He pointed out, but continued. "Since Aaron was always the one with control, it would likely be best if you try to take control back over the situation by... being the initiator in a sense."

Emma blinked her eyes and raised up her eyebrow slightly. Doctor Simon was literally suggesting that she be the one to initiate things that scared her. She didn't want to go back into a panic attack and kissing was what was caused it. "Are you serious?"

Simon easily saw Emma's hesitation in the idea. "Start small," He said with his eyebrows crinkling together slightly. "Instead of kissing him on the lips, opt for a cheek. Only move forward from there when you feel comfortable. Trust your gut on knowing what's acceptable and what's not." Simon said with a smile. "I think as long as you are the one remaining in control over the affection, you should be okay. However, be sure to tell Grayson this." Doctor Simon warned slightly. "He might take your signs of affection as a way that he can then show affection. When you feel comfortable enough you can even let him know when he's allowed to show affection to you. That, or let him ask. At some point, asking should be able to just..." Simon raised up his hand in the air and wriggled his fingers slightly. "...fade away."

After hearing Doctor Simon go into more detail, Emma felt a smidge better about it. It made sense - having her take control again. She'd been adamant on taking control of her life again in all other aspects. It doesn't surprise her that it doesn't change all that much in regards to romantically as well. "Okay." Emma nodded her head.

Seeing that Emma felt much more secure about the advice he gave, Simon leaned back and scratched his leg. "So... Grayson, huh?"

Emma blinked her eyes and flushed slightly. She rubbed her ear nervously and glanced up to meet her therapist. "I... guess." She said sheepishly with a slight smile.

Simon nodded his head and chuckled softly, taking enjoyment out of her being flustered ever so slightly. "From what I've heard from you, he sounds like a good man. Definitely been a lot of support to you." Doctor Simon said with a nod to his head. Emma nodded her head in return with slight embarrassment, glancing to the side.

Opting to change the topic, Emma cleared her throat and glanced forward. "So, the trial is soon." Emma murmured nervously. Simon raised up his eyebrows curiously and went back to his job of listening. "I'm... nervous. I thought I was just going to have to talk about what happened to me but Grayson was telling me about how the lawyers can get... aggressive. To try to make my testimony invalid, in a sense."

Simon adjusted the way he was sitting before speaking. "Yes. Trials are unfortunate that way." He murmured with a frown. "Just speak the truth and do your best to remain calm. If there's ever a situation where you feel out of control, just know it's okay to pause. Just count your breathing like I've taught you." Simon said. "Don't worry about what others might be thinking. You've gone through a trauma and you have every right to be shaken up. Okay?"

"Okay." Emma murmured. To be honest, a part of her wanted to merely put Aaron behind her and move forward. Talking about the events, all of them, was just going to bring everything back up. A part of her wanted to walk away from the trial and not do it at all... but she can't. If Aaron walked free because of Emma not wanting to speak, Emma would blame herself thoroughly. Not to mention, she'd barely be able to look Grayson in the eyes again. "I'll do the best I can."

"And that's all anyone can ask of you." Simon said with a smile. "Just do the best you can."

Emma gave a hesitant laugh, trying to lighten the mood even slightly. She sat in silence for a few moments, thinking about what else she wanted to share with Simon. Simon likely had a feeling on what she was doing and remained silent as Emma pulled out the next thought. "Oh." She said, glancing over to look back at Simon from her chair. "Teaching." She said with a soft smile. "When do you think I'll be able to... get back into the classroom?"

Simon glanced down at some of the paperwork he had in front of himself. "Like with most things, I always suggest baby steps first." Simon said. "I would suggest waiting until after the trial is done. From there, perhaps look into being a substitute for a while over having your own classroom." Simon tossed out. He leaned back into his chair again and watched Emma. "That way, you'll be able to recall what it's like being in front of a classroom and if you're ready to get back to teaching. Try being a substitute until the end of the school year and then reflect on if you'll be able to run your own classroom the following school year."

Emma let a grin slowly slip onto her face. Sure, it was subbing over having her own classroom, but it was still something. Emma practically felt like it was the last puzzle piece on getting her life back under control and into her own grasp.

Being that those three topics were the major things she wanted to touch on with Simon, Emma spent the remainder of the session talking to him about whatever bothered her or came to her mind. After saying her goodbyes, Emma walked out and began to head down the street towards the apartment - the one both she and Grayson now shared together.