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I don't do anything, it's like my body is glued down to the spot and it would tear my skin off my body if I tried to move. My eyes stare blankly at the phone screen, in my head screaming to convince myself this is all just a dream―a bad, bad dream.
I don't feel anything, I don't feel myself breaking down, it's all numb as if all of my feelings just sucked right out by an invisible dementor. Instead, there's a slow, twisting feeling in my stomach that makes me want to curl up and shout into my pillow.
Morning has come, its glorious sunlight seeping in through the windows and splashed around my room. I am standing on the edge of the bed, bag packed, uniform worn and all I had to do was unplug my phone from its charging cable and get going.
But I'm stuck here, my feet not wanting to move.
"Yuri!" Three loud knocks bang on my door, Daehyun's voice echoing into the room. "Come on, let's go! Wake up! We're almost late!"
Sighing, I recollect myself and take the courage to open the door and head out into the hallway.
It was crowded a moment ago, judging from the commotion I could hear, but now it's silent and everyone had gone downstairs for breakfast, then to the bus.
Daehyun stands in front of my door, smiling but his expression changes when he sees me.
"Yuri! What's wrong?" he frowns, lifting my chin up to meet his gaze. "Nervous?"
I gulp. "Yeah," I lie, "yeah I am."
Daehyun laughs and pulls me into a warm hug, "it's okay! You've got me, you've got Hyunjin!"
I sigh, pulling away from him, "okay. I'm okay now, thanks."
"What's got your panties in a twist?"
"Nothing," I smile, walking ahead of him, "you said we're running late, didn't you? Let's hurry."
I thank the heavens when I haven't seen the tip of Hyunjin's nose all morning long; I didn't see him at breakfast, didn't see him on the bus, and didn't see him when we gathered at the front of the pool entrance for a small head-count.
Not long after entering, we quickly changed into our swim gear and start doing practice laps as more and more teams start to pour into the area. The sun is shining down on us, making the water sparkle and I almost forget the state I was in this morning.
"Yuri!" I hear someone calling my name.
I stop after kicking myself off the wall, a few metres into the pool already. In the distance, I see Seungmin's bright red hair. One by one, I see Changbin walking behind him, then Minho, then Felix and then Chan rushing them all in, nodding to people, smiling apologetically as they find a seat on the second row in the stands.
Why are they here?
I was about to pull myself out of the pool but halt myself when another boy walks in through the gates, wearing our familiar team jacket, head too immersed in the music he's listening to on his phone. The boy smiles politely as girls around him gush in awe, waving in the direction of his friends then makes his way in our direction.
Taking a deep breath and ignoring the slow clenching feeling at the pit of my stomach, I continue the rest of my lap, cursing myself when tears start to pool in my goggles.
"Fuck you, Hyunjin," I mutter, catching my breath on the other side of the lane, hauling myself up and run to the bathroom.
I shouldn't be like this.
My eyes are red from the salty tears that had gone in my eyes, my chest hurts from seeing how he doesn't look at all affected. Maybe it's just me that had gone weak, gone sensitive - all these mushy things never bothered me before, so why now?
He was someone I was supposed to be competitive with, not someone I find my heart racing for. Not someone who is stuck in my head for hours, not someone who is constantly making myself flutter at every word he says.
Maybe all the things he did were just the result of my imagination - but my level of thinking couldn't possibly picture something like that.
There's no way I could imagine Hyunjin be so sweet and caring, being an angel overall.
But apparently, those were real, and I forgot completely about him being my competition, being my rival. And instead, he became someone who was really important to me, who I'm willing to do anything for, who I've fallen for - hard.
And I feel so stupid.
I thought everything he said was real and genuine, everything he said was sweet and warm - even though it was annoying at the start. Somehow I learned to love it, slowly, I started to enjoy his company and maybe, now that if you look at it, I probably enjoyed it too much.
Because here I am with my feelings that I'm starting to come into terms with thrown to the ground, smashes into pieces that I probably won't be able to pick up by myself.
Suddenly, Hyunjin to me isn't the cute smiley boy I used to look forward to seeing every practice.
I pity myself when another tear rolls down my cheek, slapping myself mentally for being able to feel things. Why can't I be Tom Riddle and be cursed for not being able to love―it won't be a curse in my case. I would welcome it with open arms and call it my very own little blessing.
Once I feel myself calming down, I take a slow deep breath, repeating to myself that it's okay, that it's normal, over and over again. I wash my face, grin to myself in the mirror before quickly heading out as the announcer's voice rings clearly from the speakers that the competition is about to start.
Daehyun is already getting ready, along with the others on the relay team. He's waving his arms frantically, trying to catch my attention and signalling for me to hurry up.
"Okay, okay!" I mouth to him, "geez."
Quickening my steps, I almost run to our side of the pool.
Until, that is, someone bumps into me while turning around from talking to another person. He holds my arm tightly to prevent me from falling.
"No running!" the person tells me once I get back on my feet.
"You might..."
My heart drops. Hyunjin's eyes that were once sincerely looking at me are now shaking.
"...you might hurt someone," and with that, he walks ahead.
•
i'm sorry i'm like -- 2 days late, but i was really busy and i wasn't feeling well so i had to postpone it just a little bit. hope it wasn't too long?
oh and one more thing, just to clarify things and maybe just a little heads up (even though you probably already know), the previous chapter was hyunjin and yuri's texts. the part where hyunjin said some things (in a playful manner) and the ones before it was before they had the phone call. and the part where yuri calls his name... well you can probably guess what happened there.
have a great day everyone! i have a biology test tomorrow, pLz pRaY fOr mY sAniTy
