The Things We Couldn't Say

Chapter : Five

Maya

I stop the cab on the way to get my name plate for my apartment. I especially choose this shop because it makes really nice things that's worth the money.

A thick raspy women voice boom as she said

"How can I help you?"

"Well" I said "I am here to take my nameplate for my house. I order it last week and I believed I was told it would be ready by today" the women seemed to absorb the information and look at the log in front of her and then she spoke

"And your name is?"

"H...its Maya Ali Khan" I said in one breath and I bet she must have wondered what part of the sentence was my name and so I repeated myself

"It's Maya"

The women disappear behind the counter door and to reappear with something wrapped in newspaper.

"Here you go!" she put the wrapper on counter "you can see how it is and if you are not satisfied we can adjust" I heard her say.

As I opened the wrapper, emotion started to build up and I was unable to respond due to the sudden lump in my throat. I caressed my fingers on the nameplate and plastered a big smile. Which she realized was the answer to her question.

Once again in the cab, I thought of the days without my parents which would be unbearable to pass. Not being able to see them often meant only to be forgotten
forever. During the whole ride, I thought of them, only them, and I was lost in them, that I didn't pay attention to my surrounding until I was awaken from my thoughts by the cabbie.

This apartment was the first piece of property that I have ever owned, now of course the shop which by the way I haven't told parents about. I bought this apartment when I was only 21; I had saved up all of my salaries from the shop, pocket money from daddy and other odd jobs.

So that one day, if I couldn't take it anymore I would escape to this place where at least I would be able to learn to love myself rather than waiting to be loved. You know this place be like when I laugh, it will be happy and when I cry, it will be sad for me no matter how and what kind of situation I am in. This place would be with me just like parents and siblings, whom I can never have in a way that I should
have.

I clear all the ugly thoughts away from my mind and count to five. Because this is a place where I want to be happy for as long as I live, I want to let people see light
radiating from my apartment. I want this place to be happy, me to be happy and bring those who can help me to make it happy. I really want to cherish this moment and so I decided to make cement foot print as a way to make me realize this day
when I came here I promised myself that I will make this place like no other place.

A heaven for those who wants to be happy and hell for those who doesn't.

The layout of my apartment is pretty simple, it's like ABCD. Okay so when you enter, there is a living room with no TV and to the right, there is a kitchen counter and cooking area so basically my little kitchen. The hallway separates the two bed
room but only to be connecting them with a bathroom at the end of hallway which is very convenient, indeed.

I started to unpack my things and set them in their rightful places like clothes in wardrobe, food in the kitchen and books in the living room shelves. The photo frames of me and my brothers at Disneyland in Florida were put in living room and the one with all of us in bedroom.

By the time, I was finish with everything. It was dinner time and I didn't know what to eat so I went along with the idea of taking shower. When I enter the
bathroom, my stomach rumbled but silent it, as it can wait. I quickly undress to take shower and within 15 minutes I was finish. I try to finish as quickly as
possible because my mom, who is devout Muslim, taught us the Islamic ways to do things. And as it is I don't feel too good to be all naked I always try to remain covered even when I am all alone. My mom told me that when we're in bathroom,the angel on our shoulders turns their eyes and are unable to guide us on straight path. That's when Satan can attack us to do some sinful activities that will be
payed off on judgment day.

I remember mom used to shout and bang on brothers bathroom doors. When they took longer than expected time and they had to go through 100 questions until my brothers were dried up. It's a brown parent's thing, always insecure and overly protected. They think that, doing this would make them safe, secure and successful humans but when it backfires they put the blame on their children. Even then, they
don't see their fault but put the blame on others.

I cleaned up my toilet because I am like hygiene freak, especially with toilet I like them dry and clean if not I can't do my business because I am irritated by dirtiness.

Even during high school time, I used to use the teachers toilet because they were the cleanest unlike the students toilets they were a bit unpleasant even though they were cleaned often during the day. I don't exactly remember how I became like this
but I think it was when we moved to Canada that I discover my extreme OCD problems. My family didn't pay that much attention to cleanness because
everybody was busy in their own business which left the house dirty.

It was always me who cleaned like from the shoe rack to fridge to cupboard to toilets. I always liked things being straight and arranged. When they weren't, I
would be out of control and one day when I was arranging the fridge was the first day my mom slapped me and got pissed for arranging the fridge. She was having a rough day and I became her punching bag after that day. I remember clearly I cried so much but not from the pain rather from her action. For not being able to understand my freaking problem, not even acknowledging the fact about what I was going through, for behaving the way I was behaving. At that time, even I didn't know why my reflex were working in a way that was not normal but were diverging me into psychopath. My problem was visible in everything I did yet she seemed to be unaware. I bet she thought it was just few days' craziness then it will be fine. I have this thing, when I like something, I will use it so much until I start to hate it. But she never knew that this will lead to very difficult situations of my life.

My OCD became the reason of my aloofness, because I wanted someone who was perfect like me in a way that would keep on inspiring us to be pitch perfect. But that is not how the universe works because universe itself is not perfect. The universe want somebody who are lacking in a way, that basically leads to survival of fitness because I think we have to change some nuts here and there to fit in.

Despite my struggle with OCD, I used the survival of fitness to my problem and try to behave in a way that would not label me "Nerd or Weird".

I shook away the ugly thoughts as I warm up my paratha. I didn't have the appetite to cook.

I went to sleep but I can't wait to start a new chapter in my life without tension and pain.