Isolated. {Lams}

Chapter Forty Eight

Did you get attached to Alex?
How sad.

John Pov
I sat in my cell. I couldn't bear to go to the top bunk of the bed. I just physically couldn't. I don't know what to say about it really. I wanted it to be a dream- a nightmare even- but it wasn't.

It was real.

His dea...
his death was real.

Nobody should have to die young.
I keep wishin' and I even fucking prayed for him to be alive but no.

My prayers have not been answered. My wishing ain't done shit.

I thought that for once,
for fucking once,
I might have a chance at getting a good life and starting over.

I even planned to propose to Alex.
I planned that after we stopped rubbing away from the cops and finally settled down somewhere, I'd propose to him.

Even though I'd call him Kid and shit like that, he was a tough motherfucker. I'd never say it to his face, but it's true.

He was a genius.
Well...
Okay, from time to time he was a genius. Those times were quite small but all in all, he is..
I mean..
was pretty fucking smart.

And he sure did a lot of vomiting.
Not his most redeeming quality but uh..
yeah.

He did that a lot.
For a while I thought it was because lack of food and starvation.
I was wrong.

He does it when he's nervous which is the weirdest thing I've seen someone do when they're nervous.

I don't know how I feel to be honest. I've never been good about feelings and shit.

Alex never has either, but he was more blunt about his emotions.

I can't stop repeating in my mind the scream Alex let out when he was shot. I guess it's almost like PTSD..
but not?

I'm not sure.
If I could see him, if he were to just appear in front of me, I..
I don't know what I would do.

What the heck did you do to me kid? What the heck did this kid do?

Alexander.
I only use your first name when it's serious. I didn't think I would fall in love with anyone.

Definitely not with him.
But..look where it got me.

I don't think I will move on.
I don't think I can.
I don't want to move on.

I wanted to grow old with him.
Maybe get a dog or somethin'.
Maybe go on adventures together.

I've never felt so lonely before.
I've forgotten what it felt like to not have Alex by my side.

We came as a set.

I didn't think anything would ever change that. I thought wrong.

Being lonely is the fucking worst.
It feels like some sort of isolation.
I guess I'm isolated.

Forever isolated.