The Sweetest Death

Two+

© Amber Kalkes 2014

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Two+

I am the worst actress in the world.

After denial after denial to Edgar that anything is wrong he’s had enough. His answer to my constant dismissals of his concern? Easy, just pin me to the nearest wall as soon as we enter the secluded conclave of our bedroom. Yeah, I guess I can understand why he thought this was a good idea.

Note the heavy sarcasm.

“Shoshanna, you better tell me what wrong right now.” He growls out.

I quick an eyebrow, “Or what?”

“Or I’ll punish you.”

“Oh? That sounds promising.” I say with a playful smirk.

He isn’t amused. Letting out another growl he shoves his body closer to me until we’re nose to nose. His crimson red orbs filled with lust, anger, and intensity. The contacts were discarded as soon as we could and now seeing the naked color of his eyes, no matter the emotion swirling in them I can't help but feel relief. This is how I know him best and the normalcy of the brown was unsettling. 

“Shoshanna, I swear to all that is holy if you don’t tell me what’s going on I’ll lose my shit and I can’t promise that I’ll be gentle about it.”

“Do it then.” I whisper against his lips, “Lose your shit, Edgar, because I’m not going to tell you anything that doesn’t concern you.”

“Everything you do concerns me.” He grits out through clenched teeth. “You. Belong. To. Me!”

“And you belong to me.” I counter quietly. “I need you to let this go, Edgar. I can’t tell you and you need to trust that I have a reason to keep it from you. Trust me like I trust you.”

He lets out a deep breath and nuzzles my neck before lifting his head. His eyes aren’t as intense anymore but they don’t loose the lust. They never do when he’s so close to me. “I just don’t want anything to be left unsaid between us.”

“And they won’t, in time. I can’t tell you now but when I can I’ll be sure you’re the first one I vent to.”

“I love you so much.” He breathes against my lips, “So much I feel this need to be your everything.”

My fingers caress the underside of his jaw making him groan lightly, “You are my everything, Edgar.”

“Then why can’t you tell me?”

I sigh dropping my hand. “Because I can’t.”

“No.” he whispers shaking his head, “I mean, why can’t you tell me you love me?”

“You know I do.”

“Yes but I want to hear you say it.”

My heart speeds up in my chest and my hands begin to shake at my sides. Why can’t I tell the love of my existence that I love him? It’s a simple yet complicated question. Part of it is that I’m scared. I’m scared about what it could mean for me when he leaves. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love Edgar but admitting it out loud, to me, is like a nail in the coffin. Though I don’t doubt he loves me now what about tomorrow or the next day or when he realizes he could be with someone else, someone worthy?

The other part of me holding it in, chalks it up to my upbringing. My mother was a woman of silence. She rarely spoke and seemed more like a marble carving of a far away goddess than my mother. Even when my younger sister, Charlotte became ill she never openly cried or uttered a word of condolence.