"have you ever been in love?"

eleven

"so he's gone?" makki asks me, and i nod solemnly.

it's been about a week since i told him. he's tried to call, but i didn't answer. i couldn't bring myself to.

"i was hurting him. it was unreasonable and unrealistic of me to hold onto him like that. i was being selfish."

"you're gonna die." i gulp when he says so, and he takes a deep breath before continuing. "you're gonna die, and that fucking sucks. i don't even know what i'll do when you do. i love you — friend-wise, of course — and if you think i'm ready to accept this, i'm not, and i still haven't. but just because you're going to die, doesn't mean you have to rob yourself of every nice thing you may still be able to have."

"by hurting myself i'm saving him from much worse pain."

"he's a big boy, issei. you can talk to him. you think hiding things is for the best, but it's not. you're not seventeen, neither is he. you can talk as adults. so, please. do."

i sigh. "hurting him isn't worth it."

"he may not think so."

"of course he does."

"you don't even kn—" makki's interrupted when suddenly, the doorbell rings. he frowns. "expecting anyone?"

"no, i'm not," i say, confused, "i'll get it."

i walk to the door, opening it, and as soon as i see him, i stop breathing for a moment. he looks up at me, hopeful and determined.

"before you tell me to go, i'm going to tell you exactly why i should stay," he says firmly, not giving me the chance to speak, "matsukawa issei, the three weeks i spent with you have been the most content weeks of my life. i've been looking for love and whatever here and there but with you, it clicks. and i know you don't want to hurt me, and all i've been able to do is cry over how i'm going to lose you way too soon. but this? breaking up over it? it's making me miserable." he steps closer to me, looking me in the eye.

"i'd rather have you in your final days than not have you at all. because i believe that there's something special here, and i don't give up. if you hit it, hit it till it breaks. i said i wanted to make us official, and if this is what it takes, so be it. i'm not leaving you in the face of some stupid fucking tumor. if you cry, you cry on my shoulder. if you're in pain, you squeeze my hand. and if you do leave me, i'll be there when you do, sitting next to you. i've only been around you for three weeks, but it's more than enough. and i'm not afraid. i'm sad, and angry, but i'm not afraid. so, if you will, please. just... don't make me go away. i don't want to."

i stare at him, stunned. he looks back at me with a premeditated determination that seems to waver ever so often but returns as soon as he takes a proper breath. we stay like that for a minute or so as i try to find the words, his determination unwavering, but his face radiating the fact thay he wants me to say something.

and when i finally do, it comes out softly, pained; "tooru, it's not fun and games and romance. i'm dying. and there's nothing anyone can do to change that."

"well, if you're eighty and dement, and i'm in that rocking chair next to you, it'd hurt just as much. i'm convinced that life's too short to just hide away from things that you know you want. and i know i want you."

"but i'm dying," i remind him for the so many-eth time, tears building up.

"yeah. and i'm living. that's all going to happen wether we're together or not." he takes my hands. "matsukawa issei, i'm just as old and wise as you are. let me make this decision for myself. let me be there for you, through every shitty moment, and let me make all other moments as happy as can be."

"are you sure?"

"yeah. i'm really fucking sure."

"can i kiss you?"

"you don't have to ask," he says breathlessly, and i take his face in my hands, bringing my lips to his to engage in the most passionate, romantic kiss in the history of the universe.