"have you ever been in love?"

twenty-six

i wake up. my memory empty, my hospital gown leaving me chilly. when did i get here?

hanamaki's sitting at my bedside, angrily reading a magazine. i vaguely remember going to his place, playing...

the pain is excruciating, and i'm left screaming until my vocal cords give out. i keep screaming anyway, for minutes on end, through the nurses that barge in and try to get me to regain normal consciousness. through hanamaki who looks at me as if he's watching the world end. i guess he's new to this. my voice is shrill and painfully raspy. screaming brings agony which brings more screaming because i simply have no other outlet for the pain.

when the pain subsides into a dull throbbing and i can breathe again i calm down a little and am left whimpering. one of the nurses gives me some crappy medicine. i take it, collapse, and they try to talk to me. i try to answer. i don't care, don't bother to do my best. maybe they'll make some sense of me. my eyes drift from the window i've been staring at to avoid the nurses to hanamaki who's almost crying by now.

why am i in hospital?

i want to ask them, but they're too busy. there's more medicine. i have to take it. especially if i'm alone. i can't have a seizure when i'm alone, i'm very lucky my friend was there to save me. a seizure. what?

hanamaki's face tells me that he's my life-saving friend, and i feel guilt shoot through me as i realize the trouble that i've caused. once again.

it's another good fifteen minutes before they realize that questions aren't able to fix my brain tumor. they leave, and i'm alone with my saviour. as much as i wanted them to leave before, i now wish they were back, so i could avoid the conversation.

"what the fuck happened?"

"yo-you came over, and we had a fine time, and then you fell asleep, and-and— and you had a seizure," he says. his voice is unstable. it's accompanied by hiccups and i know he's been crying. "so i called 119 and tried to look up how to help during a seizure but the wifi was slow so i tried to make sure you didn't choke until the paramedics showed up, and they asked if i was family and i said no but i also said how you don't really have any so they let me ride along anyway, and, and, i thought you were dead."

"i'm so sorry," i say quietly. he shakes his head, wiping away his tears.

"it's fine. just, take the meds. it might save your life."

"how long've i been here?"

"since last night. i tried to get ahold of oikawa via dm, but he hasn't yet responded..."

i'm not gonna lie, that piece of information hurts a bit more than the rest. "well, he'll come around soon enough."

"your head doctor is supposed to come by soon. can i get you anything?"

"no. i'm okay," i say softly. i'm definitely not okay, but in this moment, i'm not really sure what i am.

"he's... probably gone for a while," i start, biting my lip before continuing. it hurts. "you were right. i told him about the chemo and he flipped."

"shit, mattsun... i'm so sorry."

"it's okay. he'll come around." i hope.