"have you ever been in love?"

twenty-one

hanamaki says i should spend more time with him. i agree. so we do. we have a movie night and play minecraft together — because minecraft is the best game. later, he 'forces' me to play call of duty. it's fine. i like either.

losing makki doesn't feel as real, because he's been such a casual constant in my life. he's just always been there, wether next to me or a phone call away. whilst oikawa tooru is the embodiment of everything i aspired to be with, hanamaki takahiro is at least as important, if not, admittedly, more. to have at least someone by my side who is always there, unchanging and unwavering, who knows my workings well enough to know how to respond to my antics.

i smile, distracted, and i shoot someone through the head. nice. video games truly are a great form of stress-relief.

but he's too constant. maybe. i don't really know. it feels like when i die, hanamaki will be there with me. i can't imagine either of us living without the other.

it's then when i realize that whilst it might have never been romantic, i have loved before, because i love hanamaki takahiro to death and would do absolutely everything to keep him with me. i understand what oikawa always says about iwaizumi. how they're inseparable. and i also understand why iwaizumi is so absolutely madly in love with his best friend.

it's comforting to know he'll have someone who cares for him when i'm gone.

hanamaki shoots someone. "nice," i tell him. video games truly are a great form of stress-relief.

"hey, taka," i say, and he glares at me.

"you're gonna say something sentimental."

"yeah, you piece of shit, about how i love you and i'm gonna die and i'm sorry," i laugh, nudging him, "but thanks for not crying about it."

"trouble in paradise?" he hums, eyes fixed on the screen.

"no. just him dealing with it. people deal differently. and sometimes, your way is refreshing."

"i don't cry when you're here. but i did have a few moments," he admits, pausing the game. his eyes fixate on the pause menu. "naturally. you're my best friend. i'm absolutely torn up. but that won't help you. why aren't you taking chemo?"

i'm kind of stunned by his question, because i assumed everyone knew. "well, i'm dying anyway."

"there's a good few months it could buy."

"yeah. shitty months where i go bald and i'm puking everywhere," i roll my eyes, "those months won't mean anything. i'm... happier this way. not happy. but happier."

"that sounds like the issei i know," he chuckles, "what does oikawa think?"

"we haven't really talked about it. i kind of assumed everyone knew."

"nobody wants to invade something so personal." he resumes the game. "just make sure not to break him. he's fragile. lovely, great, but very fragile. like this fucker." he shoots a guy.

"harsh."

"the metaphor must be illustrated."

"i'm really sorry," i say again, "for hurting you. like this. i know it's probably hard, also now that i have him..."

"it's hard all right. but i'm so happy for you. and i'll just... have to find a way. but for now i have to be here for you." the game's paused again, and he looks my way for the first time this entire conversation. "i'm sorry you have a brain tumor. you're a good guy and an even better friend."

"bad things happen to everyone. i was just unlucky."

he pulls me in and hugs me tight, and i'm glad he does. i don't cry this time. i don't need to.

"fuck yeah you are. you're one unlucky son of a bitch." he's in tears anyway, even though he said he wouldn't cry.

"i know. but at least i have great people to make up for it."