"have you ever been in love?"

fifteen

the thing is, it's never peaceful.

being with him is magical. it truly is. i spent every content moment of my day with him and entrust him with all of my happiness i've saved up for the rest of my doomed lifetime. he's always with me, we're always laughing and i'm always in love with him.

but it's never peaceful. there's always a lingering, underlying feeling of dread and fear. because every moment could very well be my last. there's a certain amount of stress that accompanies the reminder that every smile he gives me could be the final one before my body gives up and shuts down, and there's a certain amount of pressure to cherish every single one of his smiles. it follows me around to an extent where it haunts me, and i can no longer enjoy anything fully, because i always have to cherish and enjoy. if i don't, i might regret my final moments, and i can't afford that.

the first time we fight cements that very fear. it's something stupid — i make an awkwardly worded remark and it doesn't sit well, and with him interpreting it the wrong way, the situation escalates to the point that he storms out of my apartment with tears in his eyes. it's stupid. it's idiotic. i don't know why we're fuming over something so unnecessary, but i know that when he leaves i panic, because what if i die then and there? what if my last memory with him is that stupid fucking fight? that fight about absolutely nothing, that fight that continued with us shouting stupid insults and empty accusations?

how did it get to this point?

it hits him too, because as i'm about to call makki he's at my doorstep, crying his heart out as he falls back into my arms, blabbering on about how he's sorry and how much he regrets everything he's said.

it's not healthy. it's happiness, but it's fueled by fear and desperation.

i don't hold him that night. i lie on my back, wide awake, wondering what to do. feeling hopeless.