"have you ever been in love?"

twenty-nine

"i'm so—"

"tell him," hanamaki says, opening the door for me. i gulp at the harshness in his words, but i understand. i don't like it, but i get it.

from now on, that's something i have to deal with.

"yeah, okay," i nod, walking past him and into the hospital room.

the room is white and pristine — as would be expected. matsukawa's lying on the bed, staring out of the window absentmindedly. there's no iv drips or anything, but he's wearing a hospital gown and he appears tired. even though he looks gorgeous, he also looks like shit. i gulp.

"issei, i'm so sorry," i say quietly as i close the door behind me. he turns to look at me. his eyes meet mine, and a smile spreads over his face. i'm kind of glad he doesn't want to kill me.

"tooru," he grins, "i had a seizure."

"what are you happy for?" i say, starting to cry, with a smile only too present on my face.

"you," he sighs, holding out his hand. i walk over to him and sit on the edge of the bed, ignoring his hand and instead leaning close to kiss him gently. because i'm still worried for his health. i pull back and look at him, take it all in. how he looks tired with those bags under his eyes. how he looks so incredibly weak and fragile. like he's a shell of a man. it brings me to tears. my entire being yearns to wrap my arms around him and never let go, as if the grim reaper would have to get through me first. as if my useless physical form could stop death from taking what belongs with death.

"tooru," he whispers, as if he has something else to say. but he doesn't, he falls silent and stares right back at me. i don't know what to say.

"i'm sorry it took me so long. i... i went to sendai, after our fight. i panicked. i'm really sorry. i need to do better, for both of us."

"did you go to iwaizumi's?"

"yeah," i sigh softly, averting my eyes, "i did."

"good. he's a good friend." i look at him. confused.

"you're not mad?"

"tooru. i'm alive. you're here. i don't have time to be mad."

i bite my lip, tears welling up once again. he sighs softly and scooches over in his bed, patting the mattress. i take it as an invitation to lie down and crawl up against him. my fingers find his skin and i hold on tight.

"i'm not gonna pretend i get it. we're just too different for that."

"i guess so," he sighs, "i guess that's why i love you."