"have you ever been in love?"

twenty-three

all hell breaks loose.

"what the fuck do you mean, you could be taking chemo?!" he's screaming suddenly, jumping up from the couch, shoving me off of him in the process. i wince slightly. pillows are enough to cause pain now.

"exactly that," i mutter as i sit up, rubbing the back of my head. 

"so? why aren't you?!" his voice is shrill. it's furious. his eyes are bulging out of his head and i swear i can see a vein ready to pop on his forehead. i've never witnessed anger like this. it's pure, animalistic rage. 

"because it can't save me," i tell him calmly, trying not to let my fear shine through. 

"so then why is it an option, huh? it has to have some kind of fucking benefit!" 

"prolonging my life by a few months, maybe," i reply, averting my eyes, remembering how makki told me he wouldn't take this well. he wasn't wrong.

"what the FUCK!" i didn't think the shouting could get louder, but it did. he turned away from me, threading his left hand through his hair nervously. "issei, what the actual FUCK!"

"it wouldn't help mu—"

"SHUT UP!"

i do. 

i watch him pace up and down the room, his breathing heavy. 

"you could live longer, don't you fucking get that? you could extend your fucking life. what is wrong with you?!"

"if you'd let me explain, maybe i'd tell you," i reply, and that terrifying gaze is locked onto me again.

"go ahead," he spits, hands on his hips. i gulp.

"i'm gonna die anyway. chemo would fuck up whatever time i have left. i'd become weak, lose my hair, be even more sick than i am. it's a tumor, not cancer. there's nothing left to do. i can't enjoy life if they're pouring radiation into my body. quality over quantity."

his anger starts to turn to sadness. tears start spilling down his cheeks. then the anger returns again. he storms off to the kitchen, grabs something ceramic, throws it across the living room and against the wall, yells a few more curse words, and slams the door.

i drift asleep, hoping it was all a very bad dream.