I Couldn't Stop Caring

Chapter 9

The flame of the fire had faded from a heated blaze which they had cooked their food on, to a small, calming flicker every now and then. Clarke was greatful for it though, as the smaller flames casted less shadows than before.

Around her, heavy breaths escaped from the other bodies as they slept. To the side, Lincoln lay behind Octavia, his arm drooped over her waist and his face buried in the softness of her hair. The space behind Clarke was cold.

She lay with her eyes closed, merely pretending that sleep had overtaken her. It fooled Jayden who had taken watch for the night, sitting slumped against the tree with his sword drawn and his eyes fixed on every movement. Raven lay at his feet, lips slightly parted as she rested. The tug of sleep began to pull at Clarke.

"You like her don't you?" Clarke almost jolted as she heard the small whisper of the commander.

"She is impressive in what she does-" Jayden began. Clarke didn't need to open her eyes to see the panic on his face.

"That is not what I mean. We both know what I really mean, Jayden" Lexa's voice was surprisingly soft as she spoke. She released her words as if she no longer believed in her most trusted and notorious rule- love is weakness.

"Perhaps I do, Heda" the young grounder said, which was followed by a small sigh "yet my loyalties will always fall to you"

It took a moment for Clarke to realise just how much the commander meant to Jayden. The fact he would give up his own life, give up his own love to aid the commander was frightening. Terrifying. Because in the end, it meant that war always won against love. Clarke only wished she could change it. She heard the quiet shuffle of Lexa's armour as she got to her feet.

"Do not be afraid of loving, Jay." Lexa whispered gently. Her boots dug lightly into the dry dirt of the forest floor as she moved "Sometimes we need a small portion of weakness to prove we are not heartless"

Clarke screwed her eyes shut as she felt then nearing voice of the commander. Her heart pounded in her chest as she felt Lexa's shadow loom over her, drowning her in the silhouette of her own body as she looked down at her.

"I will take a walk. Stay here." Lexa whispered as she moved away from Clarke's evidently unsleeping body.

"Heda-"

"I am capable of protecting myself Jayden. I will return soon" She said. Clarke opened an eye to peer across at Lexa's back as she slowly moved through the trees. Each foot step was made in utter silence until she was completely gone.

She stared into the darkness that loomed between the branches, her heart wondering to her mouth.

"Sometimes we need a small portion of weakness to prove we are not heartless"

Lexa's words yet again lingered in her ears, repeating itself like a mantra. Lexa had made decisions with her head and not her heart every time. Clarke knew that. So why would she say such a thing?

"She's gone. You can open your eyes now, Wanheda" Jayden mumbled.

Clarke frowned as she pushed herself up, looking over at the grounder.

"How long did you know I was awake?" She asked.

"As soon as she spoke" he said "I saw the difference in your breathing"

"You were watching me?"

"I was ordered to. It is my job"

"Lexa ordered you to watch me sleep?" Clarke glared at him

"She ordered me to make sure you were safe" he said, glancing across at Gustus "I listen to my commander"

"You're going to listen to her about the whole love is weakness thing too?" She asked, running her cut fingers through her tatted hair.