We're All Outcasts (Gerard Way/ MCR Fanfiction)

'Cause There's Things That I Have Done That You Never Should Ever Know

Wow! So many updates in one day!! Lucky people... :) I had a fair amount of it written, so things might slow down a little from now... Hopefully I'll update again really soon! :3

Maya-The-Psychic

Gerard's POV:

I had just locked my room and planned to get a coffee when Scarlett came rushing up to me, her cheeks as red as her hair from running. Something was clearly the matter; she had panic written all over her face. There was something else too.

"Please wait! I need to talk to you!" she gasped, all but breathless.

I unlocked my room and beckoned her inside.

"What is it, Scarlett?" I enquired.

She gave a hasty explanation - her current bedroom was my old one, and she had found some things of mine.

She handed me a bag that she had been carrying and I looked inside, pulling out a box.

I suddenly remembered what it was and my heart wrenched.

Oh, god.

No.

Please say she hadn't looked in it.

All of my secrets were held in that box. My thoughts, my misery, my pain. And there was one of my students standing there. One of my students who might now know everything I'd felt over my dark days, my suicidal days, my teenage years.

"Did you read it?" I asked, fervently hoping that she hadn't read the book. I could just about handle it if she'd looked at everything else, but the book was private. I hope no one should ever have to read it.

"I looked at the very first page. I had to check if it was yours. I didn't look at anything else in the book but I did look in the file and the box. I didn't look at the note. I'm sorry."

Thank god. I exhaled in relief - I didn't even realise that I was holding my breath.

"The book and the note are the most important things. Promise me you didn't read them."

"I promise."

I could tell that she was telling the truth. I felt awful that anyone had found the box. The fact that it was a teenage girl who didn't even know me was even worse. And she was my student. My fucking student and she knows more about me than my own mother. How can I possibly live with that?

"I'm just sorry you're the one who had to find it. I was having a difficult time then and..."

My voice shook. I couldn't hold it back any more - I completely crumbled. So she wouldn't see me cry (I'm an adult and her fucking teacher and I'm supposed to be able to deal with things and I was going to cry right in front of her), I put my face in my hands.

"I'm sorry you know about me. It's not something to take lightly. I'm sorry you have to know. You shouldn't... It's just by chance that you're in my old bedroom and  you're my student as well."

My voice sounded muffled. There was no way I could apologise for what Scarlett had found. I truly was sorry for what she'd found out about me. God, she must have thought I was an emotional wreck. How could she ever think of me the same way again?

After a pause, I regained my composure. I sat back up and said:

"I really am sorry you have to see me like this. That box brings back painful memories."

"Don't be sorry. There's no reason to be."

Fuck. After all of that, she had the courage to stay. To listen to me, to watch me fall to pieces.

I felt so many different things that it was almost impossible to feel all of them at once. I was embarrassed, I was shocked, I was so angry that she knew my secrets, I felt like everything I had had just fallen apart, I felt proud for overcoming those things that nearly killed me back then, I felt overwhelmingly sad as old emotions resurfaced. I wanted to kill Scarlett, scream at her and kiss her at the same time.

But I also felt a sense of admiration and relief. It must have taken so much to find me and give something back to me when she knew what was inside. She knew how I'd felt. Yet, she'd given them back. She must have had so much courage to face me. And she'd stayed. She'd stayed and she hadn't left when I needed someone to talk to. And now she knew so much about me I almost had the feeling of something being lifted off my shoulders. I hadn't been aware of it but now it was gone. I wasn't okay but now, at least, I wasn't alone.

I pulled her into a hug. I couldn't help it - as soon as I put my arms around Scarlett, my eyes blurred and tears ran down my face. Her arms were tight and reassuring around me and I let myself cry against her shoulder. Yes, maybe it was something I shouldn't have done. Yes, it was against the school rules. But this was personal and I think I did the right thing.

Then, as abruptly as they came, my tears stopped. It was like I didn't need to cry any more. Scarlett was still hugging me tightly, but I pulled away.

"I need you to keep this to yourself. I need to know that I can trust you." I said, looking straight at her.

"You can trust me." she replied, resolve hard and strong in her voice.

"Because I don't have those kind of feelings any more. I was going through a lot back then and it's important that you realise that I've put it behind me and I'm okay now. The only thing I ask is that you keep this whole thing to yourself. Please don't tell anyone about it. I'll be as professional about it as I can and we'll both try and forget today."

It was the best thing. She nodded, then, sensing that somehow it was over, grabbed her bag and walked away.

"Scarlett." It wasn't a question, more a statement. She looked back.

"Thank you."

I smiled at her, a sad smile, full of so many emotions. She smiled back and left my room.

I had so much respect for Scarlett. She was strong, caring, talented but modest. From the second I saw her perform, I knew she didn't belong in Kilburn. She belonged somewhere better, she needed to pursue Drama. She needed someone who could mentor her, someone who could teach her more than I ever could. She had natural, raw talent and staying here would just be wasting it. This school would let her down and so would I.

But at the same time, I wanted her to stay. So I decided to stay strong for Scarlett.

The first few days dragged painfully. On occasion, I would see her briefly around school and my mood would be lifted. I stayed as positive as I could and acted as normally as the situation allowed during Drama with her - I talked to her a little, but it was basic, informal chat which both of us could manage. Inbetween, it was thinking of Scarlett that made me feel better.

After a fortnight or so, I didn't need to concentrate on staying strong or putting on a brave face any more. I was okay.

I only had one person to thank. Scarlett had made me face everything that had been bottled up inside, she'd (quite literally) given me a shoulder to cry on, she'd helped me face it all just by being there and now I was okay. At risk of sounding like a pathetic sap needing moral support, she was the most amazing person I'd ever met.