Complicated Love

Challenges

"I'm sorry.  I'll be home as soon as we're done."

"I love you, Jen."

"I love you, too."

I sigh hanging up the phone.  All our calls seem to end like this recently.   Short and apologetic.  We never seem eager to see each other anymore.

"I still love him, Court.  It's just, it feels different.  Sometimes, I guess it feels forced.  Like we're married, so I have to love him."

"But you do love him, right?  Not only in a forced way?"

"I guess."

I get up, wondering around the room, looking at all our pictures, all our memories staring back at me. This room, the whole house, is filled with so many memories.

"I never really doubted my love for him.  He's never given me any reason to doubt him loving me, either."

"Then why do you feel like this?  Did something happen between the two of you?"

I take a sip of my wine, swirling it around in my mouth as I think about everything.

All the passionless nights, the times we've cared more about sleep than sex, even when we haven't seen each other in weeks.  The tired, achy people who have taken over the bodies of the young, more energetic couple we once were.

How our relationship has changed, making us almost too comfortable with each other, leaving no surprises to look forward to.

The days we're away filming that we hardly have the energy to call each other at the end of the day, when we couldn't wait years ago.

"We just aren't the same people.  And I know I need to expect that to a point, but we're just so different to the point that I almost don't see the Brad I married anymore.  He hardly bats an eye when I change in front of him, or looks up from his scripts when I walk through the bedroom after a shower.  Hell, the other day I was in the shower and he just casually walked in the bathroom to pee, not even looking in at me like he always used to... and sometimes I feel like I do the same to him."

"Jen," She walks up behind me, slightly rubbing my shoulder "When you guys go out, or watch a movie together, there's still passion there, right?"

"Yeah, I guess.  We feel the same then, but it doesn't feel like enough.  I love him, I really do, and I don't know where I would be without him in my life, but it worries me that things aren't the same."

"When did you last have sex?  Did that mean anything to you?"

"A few days ago, before he left for filming." I smile just thinking about him, how he's always able to satisfy me "It felt like it always has... like really good, passionate sex.  That's the only part that hasn't changed.  I just need more than that I guess. Especially with being away from each other so often."

"You two need to take a break from work.  Go on vacation, visit his family.   Something to reconnect.  I have never seen a man love and treat his wife the way he does you, and you're on dangerous ground.  I know he loves you, but if you two feel this way for too long, it won't be good."

"Jesus, you don't have to tell me that.  I'm already thinking it way too much myself.  I don't need to hear it as a rational thing too."

"How far away is he filming right now?" She ignores my slight anger, knowing it won't do any good "You aren't doing anything tonight."

"About 2 hours, but I don't wanna be a burden and distract him."

I know what she's getting at, and right now I'm really not sure if it's good or bad. 

"You're his wife.  You shouldn't be a burden.  And if you're a distraction you're getting what you want."

She walks back in the living room, picking up Coco who has been sleeping on the couch this whole time, and walking towards the door.

"Trust me, Jen.  You don't want to make this rut even bigger.  You two have let enough space in your relationship, and the more you let in the harder it'll to fix everything.  You guys love each other, show it."

Seconds later, I hear my front door close, and know that I'm alone to make a decision.  A decision that a year or two ago I wouldn't even have to think about because I would already be in the car, thinking about how to surprise Brad. 

This rut just seems so much deeper than it needs to be, and I'm not even sure what exactly is causing it.  The distance between us as we film?  The simple fact that we're married and comfortable with each other all these years?  A lack of communication about what we want?  All the painful years of arguing over when to have children just for the topic to be pushed aside?  Not making time for all the things we've always said we wanted to do together because we think work is more important?

Whatever it is, it needs to end.  It needs to end now. 

I feed the dogs, grab my keys, and lock the doors.

I'm going to visit my husband.

Two long hours later, I pull up to the set, immediately spotting Brad. 

He has his hair slightly longer than I like, along with a beard that desperately needs trimmed, something he used to let me do as a joke.  He stands next to a director, completely oblivious to the fact that I'm just a few feet away from him.

"Hey," He turns around as I get closer, feeling the presence of someone near him. 

I walk up closer, examining his face to make sure I made the right decision, when I see an expression I was not hoping for. 

He's not happy, or mad, or even excited.  He's confused.  Confused about why I would want to be here for him.

"Hey." I smile, knowing that's one of the few things left he can't resist "I thought you might be hungry."

I hold up a bag of food, hoping he agrees to eat.

"Let's take a 30 minute break!" The director quickly yells out, smirking at Brad as he walks away.

"Thank you." Brad takes the bag from me in one hand, toying with my hand in the other, unsure if he should be holding it "You really didn't have to do this.  I have some of that soup left that you made me."

"Brad, we need to talk."