Complicated Love

Visiting

"It's been so long since we've done anything like this. I don't even remember the last time we flew out to visit each other on set, much less flown to another country to party."

I stare out my window as Lisa continues sharing her excitement for this vacation, excited myself, but also thinking about how much our lives have changed since the last time we've been able to do anything spontaneous like this.

"It almost feels wrong to be doing this right now."

To be honest, ever since we booked these tickets last week I've felt wrong. Lisa still doesn't even know I'm pregnant again because she's been filming up until yesterday, and here we are flying together to visit another friend so we can act like 20 year olds on vacation.

"We need things like this though, at least that's what Brad keeps telling me. He's been trying to get me to do something for weeks now. He thinks I'm sheltered or something."

"It does kinda feel like that though. Hiding out, keeping kids alive..."

"I just hope mine is still alive when we get back. Brad's good with him, but he's been a handful lately now that he can crawl better. He almost knocked a glass vase on his head yesterday when I wasn't looking."

"When Julian first started crawling he pulled on a table cloth and knocked over a full pitcher of beer that he then tried to lick off the floor. Boys are fun."

"We can't wait, especially Brad. They're going to have fun these next few days."

I try to relax as I look out at the clouds surrounding us. It's such a peaceful, relaxing view to take in, especially after these last few harder months. Brad is right, I need and deserve this vacation, but that doesn't change the fact that I miss him and my baby, and I'm so exhausted that I know I won't be able to keep up with all the fun my friends will be having.

"Hey are you okay? You look very pale right now..." Lisa moves to the chair next to me, holding up the barf bag they provided just in case, "Honey what's wrong?"

Before I can even think about speaking, I grab the bag for safety. I can feel my stomach turning and the slight movement of the airplane is not helping.

I heave into the bag, scaring Lisa as she helps me hold it, while also reaching for hers, worried I'll need it. She rubs my back as I continue to vomit, trying to comfort me while still having no clue what is going on.

"Maybe we should go to the bathroom..." She suggests, helping me stand up once I've calmed down a little. "That way you can get cleaned up."

"Oh my God," I complain, throwing myself over the toilet as soon as we get there, knowing the walking will just make me worse. She holds my hair back as I get sick again, keeping me from an even bigger mess.

"Are you okay?" She hands me some water as I lean against the wall, finally starting to feel like myself again.

I sigh, taking a sip of the water as I pull myself together. Her pleading eyes beg me to tell her, and I know I should.

"I'm pregnant. We found out last month, and it's just been hard."

"Aw! Congratulations! Liam's going to be such a good big brother!"

"I know, I'm excited to see how he reacts. It's just such a shock to Brad and I. I mean we were married 8 years before we even had one, and not even a full year later we're going to have another."

"But you'll get the baby years out of the way faster. You won't finally be getting a full night's sleep, only to have another."

I know what she's saying is supposed to be helpful, but it all just reminds me of how we hardly feel like we can take care of Liam. Some days I wonder how I'll even begin to care for a newborn again when I still hardly know what I'm doing all these months later. It's all so much harder than I expected it to be, even if it is worth it.

"I just feel like we're clueless half the time. I mean, what responsible adult couple has two 'surprise' children? How can we be dumb enough to let those keep happening?"

"You aren't dumb. Things happen. Things are forgotten. At least you two can care for them. Your kids are loved and taken care of."

"I know... it's just hard to believe we've messed up like this twice."

"But your kids are worth it. Jen you guys love him more than anything, we all see it everytime you're around him."

"Can we just not let this ruin anything? I know how good it is, my hormones are just crazy and I go through all kinds of mood swings, but I really don't want this ruining the vacation."

"Of course. We're here to have fun. And now we have you to make sure we get back to the hotel alive when we're drinking."

"Oh yeah, that'll be great. So much fun for you guys."

We talk about some of our plans for a while until the plane finally lands and we can meet up with Courteney, who is practically jumping out of her skin when she sees us.

"You finally made it!" She runs over, pulling us both in for a hug "And you need to wash your hair..."

"Well thanks, I just flew all this way for you."

She directs us back to her hotel where I take a shower and they get ready for the night, snacking on tons of cheese before we even make it to dinner.

"I love Europe where it's totally acceptable to eat cheese like a toddler at all times." I dig into my plate, piling pasta on my fork "And I was smart enough to pack maternity pants so they're stretchy enough to eat everything in sight."

"Jen, you do that anyway. You can't blame the baby."

"Well I don't do it all the time."

"Cute pants, though. Definitely a smart choice."

"So," Courteney gets our attention, "We have the concert tonight, anything else big you guys have planned?"

"Yeah, sleeping in without waking up to a mess."

"Okay, good start. But I was thinking more fun things..."

"Honestly, I just wanna be with both of you for a few days. I don't care too much what we do."

"Well, we'll make it fun.  We always do."