Complicated Love

Disbelief

4 lines stare up at me, playing with my emotions.

Could this really be happening?

After the almost two years we 'tried' and gave up to focus on our careers, did the inevitable happen?  Did we just need all this extra time for it to work?

It's been over a year since the last time I stood here, the last time I even considered the possibility.

We've hardly mentioned anything about a baby since we decided to stop over a year ago, not thrilled about raising one as we get older.

But, do we have a choice now? 

Could this really be what our marriage needs? 

I pick up the phone to call Brad, but once again he's on location hours away filming. It's his year for big projects, and I can't tell him this over the phone.  I don't even know how to tell him.

I call my doctor instead, making an appointment for this afternoon to find out if this is real.

"Jennifer Pitt?"

I follow the nurse back to the exam room where she hands me a cup and a gown.  She explains that the cup is for a urine sample, and to change into the gown once I'm done.

"Hi, Jennifer." My doctor walks in with my chart, sitting across from me "So I see here you're in for a prenatal evaluation."

"Yeah, I took two tests this morning, and both were positive immediately.  I'm just worried because I've been under some stress lately, and I have no idea when my last period was."

She nods her head, looking through her laptop for the urine sample results.

"Well, the good news is that you are in fact pregnant!"

"Really?  The tests were right?"

I try to control myself as emotions run through me.  Neither one of us was expecting this to happen.  We honestly thought that maybe it couldn't, and now it is.  But what if he doesn't want a baby anymore?

"Is there something wrong?  Did you want to look into other options..."

"No!  No there's nothing wrong.  It's just a huge surprise.  We never really expected this to happen.  We just thought that maybe we couldn't have children."

"Have you tried in the past?"

"Not necessarily.  After we got married we weren't exactly careful, but we never sat down and said we would try.  I went off the pill about 4 years ago and we just thought that if it happens, it happens.  No big deal either way, but when it didn't after a few years, we didn't expect anything else."

"Well, let's take a look at your baby.  That way we can get an idea of how far along you are."

I lay back, letting her do what she needs, watching the screen fiercely for the first glimpse of our baby.

"Looks like baby Pitt is doing perfect.  You're measuring at about 7 to 8 weeks."

"Oh my God," I stare at the screen in amazement "It looks like a little snake.  That's so weird."

"Wait..." I go back to what she said, thinking about it "You said 7-8 weeks.  That's over a month... is it bad I didn't know?  Could something be wrong?"

"Not necessarily.  Lots of women under stress don't realize they missed their period, or just think their pregnancy symptoms are because of the stress.  We can do more tests later on if you'd like, but as of now everything seems to be going perfectly."

"Here are some pictures of the sonogram for you," She hands them to me as she stands up "I'd like to see you again in about a month, but for now just take it easy.  Everything will be fine."

I continue to lay there, staring at the pictures of the human taking over my body.  The human, the baby that Brad and I made. 

My emotions are running crazy as I drive home.  I have no idea how or when to tell Brad.  I have no idea if he will even want a baby anymore. 

"Hey, it's Jen."

I call the only person who knows Brad better than I do that I know I can trust. 

"Hey!  How are you?  I called the other day to let you know we're back in LA."

Perfect.

"Can you come over?  I really need to talk."

"Of course!  I'll be right there."

I pace around the house, putting one of the pictures on the coffee table, waiting for Jane to get here.  She always knows how to calm me down and make me feel better. 

"What's up?" She walks in, coming right up to me "Jen, what's wrong?"

I can hardly muster up the courage to tell her. 

"I'm pregnant... and I don't know how to tell Brad... or if he's even going to want this baby."

"Come here, honey."  She pulls me over to the couch, where she sees the picture. 

"Look at this, you know he's wanted this forever.  I don't know the whole story of what's been going on between you two, but I do know whatever it is, you guys can fight through it."

"I'm just so sick of the fighting.  The past year has been fighting.  We're finally doing a little better, and now this.  We can't have the time to ourselves we need."

I feel like an idiot as I say all of this, but it's how I feel. 

"You have seven months.  I can promise you that the second you feel that baby kick or you get to hold it for the first time all these doubts will go away.  You two are going to love this child more than anyone else."

"But how do I tell him?  I can't just call him."

"You two need to go away.  You've been talking about Alaska for years now.  You'll have what, a 2 week break when he's done?  Plan it now, and tell him then."

"You really think that'll work?  What if he doesn't want to go?"

"Of course it will."