Complicated Love

This Can't be it

"Court I'm just really not feeling good today.  I'll make it next time, I promise."

"You haven't been feeling good at all recently, what's wrong?"

"I've just been exhausted, Liam's going through another no sleep phase, and I haven't been eating too good between work and him.  We're both worn down."

"Something is wrong, Jen.  This just isn't like you."

She's right, she really is.  I can't tell her though, I can't tell anyone because I can't even believe it myself.   Something really isn't right.

"Maybe I should come help you with Liam, since Brad's working.  I miss him anyway."

"Sure..."

My hands shake as I hold the tests in them.  The tests I was fearing to look at.  The tests that are changing our lives.

Everything runs through me.  Emotions.  Fear.  Horror, everything but the happiness I should be feeling.  We're going to have another baby, it should be the greatest feeling ever.  But it isn't.  It isn't for me.  I can finally be me again, act like myself, but now that's taken away.  I have someone else I need to protect and grow, putting myself last, again.  I can't film my dream movie because I'll be too big, too pregnant and miserable during the time period that I'm supposed to be playing a happy newlywed.  My life is suffering.  My life is put on the back burner, once again to make someone else. 

"Jen, what's wrong?"

"I... I need you to come over.  Now."

My body feels like it's giving out on itself.  I can hardly breathe as I continue to stare at the tests.  We aren't ready for this.  I'm not ready for this.

The though alone if another baby terrifies me.  Our relationship was holding on by a thread before Liam.  He's brought us closer, but we still aren't us.  We don't have the time to be us, to be our happy, free selves.  Adding someone else to this mix is just going to make everything harder, we won't have any time.  We already give up all our free time, all our energy, how can we do more?  How can we support another person on top of what could easily turn into a  crumbling relationship?

"Hey baby," I feed Liam as we both cry for completely, unrelated reasons.  He's so little, so fragile and young, and here I am about to disrupt his whole life.

"Jen!"  Court's voice echoes through the house as she runs upstairs.  She barges into Liam's room, somehow knowing exactly where I would be "Honey what's wrong?"

She tries not to press me, but she can tell.  She knows something is wrong.  She knows me, and she definitely knows that I am not okay right now.

I hardly move, not wanting to interrupt Liam's eating as he slows down.  I can't tell her right now.  I can't get the words out without feeling like a hundred bricks are collapsing over my body, like I'm going to fail everything.  The words are too powerful, too big. 

"He's done, let's go talk."

She takes Liam from me, laying him peacefully in his crib before pulling me out of the room.  It pains me to think about what all this means for him, all the times we're going to miss out on because we'll be splitting our time even more than we do now. 

We end up in my room, on the bed staring at each other.  I can still hardly open my mouth without letting out more than a sob, but I know I need to get it out.  I walk into the bathroom, picking up the tests to show her. 

But it's hard.

I should be happy.

I should be excited, overjoyed to be adding to our family.