Complicated Love

Lazy Days

"Babe why aren't you at work?"

I roll over as I wake up, all tangled in the sheets, hitting Brad by accident.

"It's 9AM!  I should be there by now too!"

He doesn't say anything.  He pulls his blankets over his face and rolls to look at me.  With the comforter tightly up against his ears so he can't hear my questions, he closes his eyes.  I force myself out of bed only to see a note taped above where I was sleeping.

I called us both off so we can sleep in.   We need some time to relax before I have to film again. I love you. 

I smile, taking it down and watching as he falls back asleep without a care in the world.  He's so cute all covered up ignoring the world.  I could go back to sleep,  but he is spread out over my side of the bed and I'm starving.  

"Let's go get you guys some food," I whisper to the dogs sitting right outside the door waiting on us "You can go run around the yard."

I follow them outside, tightening my robe as the morning breeze surrounds me.  The dogs go crazy as soon as they get out to freedom.  They run around in circles while I find somewhere to sit in the shade so I can relax.

"You were supposed to stay in bed, not get up anyway.  You could have rested more before this kid has you throwing up nonstop."

Brad shuts the door behind him as he walks out to sit with me.  He pulls the free chair up right next to mine so we're close.

"You've been complaining you're tired I thought maybe this would help."

"It does.  Sleep obviously helps, but I like this too.  It's relaxing, and so far I haven't been sick yet today so I think the baby likes it."

"The baby seems to be very picky.  I'm not sure we'll be getting along too well."

"Yes, because you're clearly the one whose life now revolves around the baby.  You're really struggling."

I walk over to the edge of the deck where I can see the dogs more clearly.  The privacy trees leave for beautiful scenery in the distance as I think about how rapidly our lives are changing.  Just months from now, we're going to have a baby, another human that's going to rely on us constantly, while we're hardly hanging on by a thread most days.  Our relationship isn't what it should be, what this child deserves.  We have to change us before it's too late.

I feel strong arms wrap around me a few minutes later and know Brad's thinking of life and us as well.  We've been good since I told him about the baby, but I worry that we're just using it as a fix for us and our marriage.  We have to grow up, get past this stage we're in and know that we're strong enough to bring a child into our lives.

"Hey, I love you.  Whatever it is, just know I love you and I always will." He reaches his hand under the tie of my robe, gently stroking my growing belly to excite the baby as we think of everything that could possibly go wrong with us "We are going to try our hardest, I'm going to be here for everything.  The last 12 years of our lives have led us to this and even if it's the hardest bump in the road we'll face, our baby is going to be worth it.  We made someone, Jen.  We made our child and we're going to give this child the life he or she deserves."

"Just promise me that we aren't using the baby as an excuse to stay together.  We're happy and I know that, but we were also facing hard times and I don't want to push that aside.  We need to work everything out instead of just pushing our problems to the side like they don't matter.  I grew up splitting my life between two houses, I can't do that to my child.  I just can't."

"Let's go eat something.  I'll make us some cereal."

He pulls me back through the house.  I sit at the table looking around at all our memories filling the house.  Pictures of us flood the walls.  The last twelve years surround me as a reminder that we WILL make it through this, that as hard as we think our struggles are we can make it through without any problems.  

"That one is my favorite,"  Brad walks over with our food, noticing that I'm staring at a random picture of us, one that was taken a few months before we got married after almost 4 years of dating "We were so excited, we didn't seem to have a care in the world."

We had no idea the picture was being taken.  We were in the yard of one of our houses we fixed up, admiring all our hard work and effort we put into the house, much like our relationship at the time.  The house was about to be sold so a new couple could make memories, very similar to how we were about to make new memories as a married couple just a few months later.  Our faces, much younger looking were filled with excitement.  It was real.  It was genuine.  It was us.

"What happened to those people?"

"What do you mean?  They're still here, just in older bodies."

"No.  I mean the over excited, can hardly contain it people.  The couple that knew everything would be okay..."

"Jen, we're going to be okay.  We aren't perfect, we make mistakes, we argue, but we do all of that out of love."

He knows that as much as I want to believe this, I'm very unsure of all of it.  I'm unsure of everything. 

"You want to know something?  I still have that first picture I ever took of you in my wallet.  I carry it with me everywhere because life is hard.  We face challenges and sometimes we don't like we can get past them, but I know I can get through everything as long as I have you.  All I ever need to do is look at that picture and I'm reminded that I have the best possible support system in the world."

"I love you, baby."