Echo Of Us • Zarry

DM 2

            Harry's chill. Relaxed, cool, serene even. He's writing an email, not detonating a bomb, why should he be nervous? Just sending an email to an old friend apologizing for his inadequate behaviour. Nothing too weird, right?

            Except it is. It's too fucking strange because Harry can't think, can't breathe or blink without his mind going back to a certain April day two years ago when he was doing a very similar thing. Typing out an email to an old friend that also happens to be the possible love of his life. He won't know that though, because Harry is moving on.

           'Hello,

            I'm really sorry about the way I behaved last night. My alcohol consumption got out of hand and my blabbering was a part of the result. I apologize for talking about stupid things from our past. It's all behind us now. Again, I'm really sorry.

            Would you like to have a drink the next time we see each other? I assume you're going to the Grammys in two days. We should catch up. After all, we're friends and we haven't properly spoken in ages.

            All the love, H.'

            It's short, straight to the point and polite. Perfect. Harry hits send and his finger doesn't hover over the key for more than a second. He already feels lighter. So, this is what moving on feels like.

            The last email Harry sent two years ago Zayn was a polar opposite of this one. It was way too long, maybe even five hundred words long for all he knows. The email had no point, really. Well, perhaps it did if you can count Harry's heartache wanting to find answers as a point. And that letter was definitely not polite considering Harry's favourite adjective seemed to be 'fucking'. Maybe he can still find it somewhere in his inbox. Harry doesn't send many emails from this account.

            He clicks on the 'Sent' compartment. Jeff, his mum, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, ten times Jeff, his mum, his cousin and there it is. Sent to justniaz93@gmail.com, subject 'read this you dick'. Harry takes a deep breath before he opens the email. This is a good thing. I'm moving on and this will just further convince me that I'm going the best thing. Harry knows he needs to do this. After all, facing your fears is the only way to truly get over them. This is him doing just that.

            'Hey dipshit,

            why can't I stop thinking about you? Why is your beautiful fucking face always on my mind when you don't give a single shit about me? It's four in the fucking morning and here I am, writing you a fucking email because I have no other way of contacting you since I deleted your number after you left me. You fucking left me and you're fucking happy when I'm miserable as fuck. I know you never loved me but I still miss you so fucking much.

            I have so much to tell you Z. Like how my bed is cold without you because you were always so fucking warm I didn't even need an extra blanket in the winter. Or how you were the first person I wanted to call when I got the role in Dunkirk because I know how much you love Nolan's movies and how we watched The Dark Knight god knows how many times even though I don't even like superheroes. And you didn't mind that I always fell asleep twenty minutes in, as long as I was there with you. You were the first fucking person. Not my mum, not Gemma, not Jeff. You. I just fucking miss you. I miss basic fucking things like having breakfast together or doing grocery shopping in that 24-7 grocery store near my house at one am. You were a part of me and now I feel like I've been ripped apart.

            It hurts me to think that all of it was fake. But it had to be, didn't it? If you really loved me you wouldn't leave like that, would you? I don't hate you for leaving the band. Fuck, I wanted to leave too so I'd be the last one to judge. But you left ME. And you never even gave me a proper explanation. Feel free to do it now because you broke my heart and I want to know why. So, please tell me. I can't keep guessing and trying to assume something. I KNOW you had to leave, and even maybe leave me for a while, but you never came back. Why did you leave me when I loved you with everything I had?

            We ended with a fucking phone call that shattered me. One stupid phone call where you said you wanted to give it another shot with someone you claimed you didn't love. Okay, I'm talking shit in this email. You kinda gave me an explanation. But why, why, why didn't you call me after you left her? I was still hopelessly waiting for my phone to ring and I know I didn't make it easy by changing my number but you talked to Liam, didn't you? I told him to give you my new number if you ever mentioned me. My heart jumped every time my phone rang but it was never you. Eventually, I had to give up or it would drive me insane.

            I haven't seen you in over a year and it's driving me crazy. You walking around with Gigi with a big ass smile on your face is also driving me fucking mad. Don't get me wrong, I want you to be happy, but why do I have to be heartbroken while you can just fucking move on like nothing happened? Did I mean nothing to you?

            It's really fucking late and here I am, drunk on wine, crying and writing you this email. If you're wondering how is the grammar so good, send your thanks to autocorrect. This probably makes zero sense but I just had to at least try to let you know how I feel. Because I still love you and I know we're not a lost cause. Just say it and I'm yours in a heartbeat. I know I sound desperate as fuck but it's true.

            All the love, H. xxx'

            Harry slaps his forehead three times after he finishes reading the old email. Why on earth did he even think Zayn would want him after everything that happened? Zayn left him, not the other way around. Harry made such a fool out of himself. He acted like a thirteen-year-old breaking up with his first boyfriend and wanting him back. No wonder Zayn never answered. He probably laughed over it, maybe even showed Gigi and said 'Look at this stupid arsehole. He thinks I loved him. And he still loves me? That's so funny, Gi!' or something equally as dumb.

            He won't make the same mistake again.