Echo Of Us • Zarry

DS 4

They kill some more time on the cliffs before the hostile passage of time makes them part their ways again. Harry kisses Zayn's cheek chastely after they say goodbye, very pleased with himself for his restraint, and they're apart once more.

Harry's heart isn't heavy when he returns to his tiny, seaside hotel. They've tackled some demons, at least restrained them and it's okay, it is okay. Harry can deal with this. He can deal with Zayn having a daughter, of course he can. They can handle their past. They can. Everything is different now and Harry refuses to give up. He knows this is their last chance.

As he reaches in the pocket of his parka to get his phone, Harry finds an envelope there. He frowns, since he's sure there was nothing there before. Definitely not an envelope. But then it clicks. Zayn must've put it there when Harry wanted to take photos for Anne.

True to Harry's assumption, the cream envelope displays only two words. For you. Immediately, Harry recognizes Zayn's fancy, loopy handwriting. Fuck, he hopes it's not a goodbye. He wouldn't, would he? Harry's heart beats its way up to his throat. Zayn's not a fucking sociopath, he wouldn't do this.

When Harry opens the envelope, he's met with a few pieces of papers, all completely covered with writing. He takes a shaky breath and sits himself down in the bay window, shuffling a pillow behind his back. Then he anxiously gets to reading.

Dearest Harry,

cheesy opening, I know. But you really are the dearest to me. This might seem weird to you but I need you to truly know everything. Don't worry, this isn't a goodbye. If you want me, I'm yours. However, there are too many things hindering us and I know us, I know we'll never be able to say certain things out loud. Facing you and trying to tell you everything I want is harder than it seems. People in the past were truly onto something with writing love letters all the time. So here is my love/explanation letter to you.

I took your love for granted, Harry. I did. It was probably the biggest mistake I've ever made. Your love had been a constant in my life ever since we were clueless teenagers travelling around the world, not knowing what to do with ourselves. You loved me, often unconditionally and I just took it for granted. I took it as an unmovable fact. I didn't have to do much for your love. I know I didn't treat you as you deserved. That is what my first sorry is for. I'm sorry I took your love for granted. I never appreciated it as I should've. Never. Not even when I was weeks away from marrying you. It hurts me to think about it now, how many times I pushed you away, how many times you told me you loved me and I repeated it mechanically without giving it much thought. It hurts me to know that I never deserved your smile, your laughter, your affection. Fuck, I don't know why you loved me. I genuinely don't. I didn't know what the fuck was going on half the time. I was scared, mostly. I was scared of fucking up, I was scared of fully devoting myself to you because I knew you deserved better. Yet I couldn't let you go. I still loved you, as well as I knew how to, which wasn't a very good effort. In retrospect, it pains me to think you still loved me as I had been.

Only after I had lost you did I realize what was the mistake in our relationship at all times. I couldn't quite figure out what you wanted from me. I tried to follow the clues but I never quite met the mark. Did you want marriage? Kids? Fancy dates? Gifts? What was it? But it came to me, only after you'd been gone for a while. You just wanted me, us. You wanted to be genuinely loved and appreciated. You wanted to be able to trust me, with anything and everything. You wanted us to be true partners, a unit. And I don't think I ever gave you that. If I were a better man, I would've let you go. I would've let you go years and years ago, I would've made you hate me so you could be free to love someone who did deserve you, unlike myself. But I'm selfish. And with my selfish, foolish love, I clung to you and I couldn't let you go. I can't do it right now. I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry that I can't ever let you go. I can't erase you from my heart, no matter what I do.