The Way We Almost Were ✓

00| a goodbye

i know i said i'll only start updating from the 09th onwards, but it was bored sitting in my drafts, so here you go:

to wnnojhoming, for always lighting up my notifications with an endless supply of comments <3

| {i} | 6 months back

His heart was beating fast. Very fast. Perhaps too fast.

But when his eyes landed on the woman standing in front of him, he remembered to calm himself down. He had to be brave; he had to try, at the very least -- for her.

This was all for him, after all. Whatever she did was always for him. It was going to be her downfall one day, of that he was absolutely certain.

"Mum..." he began, but she must have sensed it in the tone of his voice. Because that is what mothers do, they sense everything in the simplest and subtlest of actions.

"Nicholas," she pleaded, her eyes brimming with conflicting emotions.

"I can't," he mumbled. Blood. Blood on his knuckles, on his fists, on his hands. Blood everywhere. Finn's beaten-up body and blood-stained face seemed to materialise in front of him, as if it was actually there.

It taunted Nick, calling out to him. Reminding him.

"Yes, you can," she nodded, blinking back tears as she cupped his cheek and offered him a sad smile. "It's the only way, baby boy."

"Then come with me," he said, the words rushing out and entangling with one another, as if he hadn't uttered them for the millionth time.

She closed her eyes, sighing. "Please, Nicholas," she begged, and then opened her eyes. "Please, please, please." Her lashes let go of a tear clinging to it, and Nick watched it run down her cheek. "This is already so hard."

There was a rustling of leaves behind them and then the sound of gravels being crunched under heavy footsteps.

"All set?" the gruff male voice asked, face coming into view.

Nick shot his mother one last look -- a look that spoke volumes. And his mother shot him one back, that had just one simple, clear message: let go.

He hated it; the plan that had so many cracks and holes the size of the Grand Canyon in it, that it could crumble to dust any second, any time.

Nothing was thought through. He was just jumping headfirst, blind to the consequences and some part of him told him it would all backfire one day. That it would come back to hamstring him just when he's found some sort of consistency in his life to stand upright.

"Yes, officer," his mum answered for him, looking at the man who'd just arrived. Nick didn't want to speak. He didn't even know if this man could be trusted.

"Please, it's Quinn." The man reached into the dark knee-length coat he was wearing and pulled out a couple of papers. "The paperwork's all done. He should be fine. But we need to move. And fast. Paperwork leaves a trail -- and you never run out of snitches. Anything for easy money."

Nick's gut was screaming at him and he wanted to stand his ground, keep his resolve. But he'd always been a mother's boy and he couldn't bring himself to go against her word now of all times.

"It'll be alright," she murmured, as if sensing his inner turmoil. "It'll all be over soon. I just want you to promise me something."

There was a huge lump in his throat, he couldn't speak. He wouldn't dare speak. He'd never been one for tears and he definitely wasn't going to have a breakdown here, especially in front of an officer of the law.

It physically hurt his throat, as if there was a rock grinding against his vocal cords and digging into all the flesh and bone there.

God, it hurt.

So he nodded, slowly, uncertainly. But he nodded.

"That you won't ever lose faith," she said softly. "That you won't let all these years here chain you down. That you won't keep looking back at this life -- and that you'll allow yourself to build a new one for you out there. And that you won't push away happiness when life offers it to you." She placed a hand on the left side of his chest, right where he could feel the thumpity-thump of his heart. "I'm always here, Nicholas," more tears spilt down her cheeks now, the drops leaving tracks that spoke of a grief neither of their mouths could put into words. "And you'll always carry me with you, okay? Always."

And before Nick could say anything past the sorrow choking him, before his spinning mind could make sense of her words, she was gone, as if she'd let the gentle breeze carry her away with it into the darkness of the night.

Only he'd be somewhere else when the sun came back up.

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thank you for reading!

+ while waiting for updates, feel free to check out my other two completed books;
(1) Through Your Eyes - Teen Fic
(2) Everything I Never Say - Short Story