The Best For Us (Namjoon Fanfic)

Chapter 13

Namjoon POV

Her words stung. I didn't know what to do. It hurt so bad and I could feel tears streaming down my face but all I could think about is what she said..

I don't want to be your friend

How can she not know how much I care for her. I never knew she had so
many problems but I can't help her if she won't let me. I'd only be hurting her more if I stay. I don't want to go but I can't be with her after all she said. I know it's not her her fault but it still hurts and I need to give her time...I need time too.

I'm sorry Katie

I know you hate me because you think I'm  just like them

I'm sorry for being mad at you for thinking I'm like them

I will come back no matter how many walls you put up, I'll break them all and I'll get to you

I promise..

With a heavy heart I leave her behind. Before I walk out the door, I look back and see her still on the floor hiding her face in her knees. She looks so small. I'm afraid but I know I need to go. She needs time. I sigh and walk out the door.

Normal POV

I hear the door close. He's gone. I get up and get my pills. I stare at them like they are foreign objects. I throw the antidepressants away. They haven't been helping much and I really do not want them anymore. But I keep the sleeping pills. I know it's stupid but I feel relieved knowing that I could end it any day and it'd be over.

I still can't believe he left. My words must have hurt him a lot. My eyes become blurry as a tear falls down my cheek.

Stupid girl, you shouldn't care about him! What if he's like James?! Then what?

You did the right thing. It's better to be away..

My heart won't believe that Namjoon is like him in anyway. But I stopped listening to my heart a long time ago. It only knows how to hurt and break. And give false hopes..

I sigh.

I allow myself to remember the way he looked at me..the way he smiled..the way he made me feel like the most beautiful person in the whole world..

Flashback

End of flashback

I remember that day so clearly. It's as if it happened yesterday. I laugh. What a fool I was to think that I was someone who could be loved.

You proved me wrong didn't you James?..

I get a sudden urge. My heads hurts. My body aches and my heart feels numb.

I roll up the sleeve of my sweater. The pink lines can still be clearly seen. I find the blade at it's place under the clock on the table. It's been so long.

Hello old friend..

I put the blade to my skin. It stings. Thick red blood falls down my wrist leaving a stain on my jeans. It feels calm and soothing to watch my blood flow down my hand. No one can control me. I am going to decide what hurts me and what doesn't. I know it may seem crazy but it's my only escape.

It's amazing how something can make you forget all about the universe on your shoulders and still cause you pain. I know it's wrong to harm myself but I can't stop. It's addictive. It controls me and soon whenever I'm tired of this miserable life, I pick up the blade. It shouldn't matter though. I must have been insane to think that everything was going to be okay. It's never okay and it never will be. There's only so much I can take before completely breaking apart.

I close my eyes and fall asleep on the kitchen floor.

___________________________

I wake up to the sound of my ringtone. I rub my eyes and check the caller ID. It's Alicia. I answer it.

"Hey,"I say trying to sound joyful.

"Hey Kat! Wanna go to the movies with us today?"

"Hey Al..Sorry I'm not feeling so good today..maybe next time..I'm sorry"

"Oh what happened? Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Just a little headache. You guys have fun."

"Oh ok..take care of yourself ok?..call me if you need anything. I love you! Bye!"

"Hah ok. Love ya. Bye"

I put my phone away and get up from the floor. My back hurts from sleeping on the ground and my left hand feels a bit numb. I look at it and see dried blood. Well guess it's shower time then.

I take a long hot bath and change into one of my favourite outfits. A green oversized tee and my black sweats. No matter what shit my life is making me go through, my clothes will be on fleek. I dont like looking bad as I already feel insecure in front of everyone. It also helps in pretending that I'm fine. So it's a win win.

I go downstairs to eat but I change my  mind. I'm not that hungry after all. It's funny how I didn't eat because I was afraid of gaining weight and now I just don't care anymore. I'm not that anorexic as I was before but my depression and anxiety affect a lot of my decisions. Most of the time it makes me make wrong choices but like I said, I don't care.

My cuts are dark red now from clotting. I look at them with disgust. James was right..

Who would love a girl with scars?..

No one that's who..

I sit on the sofa and play on my phone. I browse through my social apps and I realize how ugly I actually look in my pictures. I throw my phone on the sofa and hug myself tightly.

Why do I have to be so ugly?

Why can't I look like a normal girl?

Why can't I have a normal life? With normal parents?

What if I never met him?

What if I will remain alone forever?

I curl into a ball on the sofa and cry for the umpteenth time.

Ok so hope you like this chapter and now understand a bit of what is going on. This book will talk about living with depression and anxiety. Depression makes us stop caring about things whereas anxiety makes us care too much about everything and having both can feel like you're living in hell. If you are sensitive towards these issues then read at your own will. This is my own work so please do not copy for own use or content.
Love y'all ❤

Xoxo