Unfixable

A Girly Talk

Y/n this chapter is dedicated to @laurenhall718 who has a very wide range of fanfictions you should check out! They are updated very regularly so please go and read, vote and follow her.

I haven’t been back to the office since…you know. I have been mainly spending my time wrapped up in bed or lounging on the sofa. I feel so broken, so used. Benedict has moved back in again and I am glad, I feel safer when he is next to me. He took a week off work, which must have been difficult because of filming schedules but I appreciate it. Apparently his parents have offered to look after Lucy a couple days to give me some time to forget. I will never forget what he did to me. I declined their offer because I want to spend as much time as possible with my little girl…she won’t live forever.

It is a weird and sad feeling, knowing that your child is going to live a shorter life than you. I went on courses, bought a flat, had a job…she won’t get to do any of that. She won’t have any long relationships, she cannot get married, never have a husband or wife whatever she prefers. I will support her for the rest of her life; she will get to do what she wants even if it kills me. I feel a tear escape my eye and slide down my pale face. I didn’t realise that I am crying, but when have stopped crying? I feel someone wrap their arm around me, I know it is Ben but I cannot help but jump away. The sudden bodily contact surprised me, I feel so vulnerable.

I wrap my arms around myself whilst standing in the corner of the bedroom, I feel so exposed. Ben sits up abruptly and looks straight into my eyes. He peers down at his hands, he looks guilty. I want to tell him that it isn’t his fault but no words come out and I sink down against the wall I sob. With my head in my hands I hear footsteps approaching then and figure sitting next to me, crossed legs. “Y/n…I would never hurt you. You know that right?” I nod. I want him to cuddle me and I know that he wants to cuddle me as well but he is being stand offish. Probably doesn’t want to scare me again. I hear Lucy beginning to stir and then burst out crying. I sigh before stumbling to my feet and edging towards the nursery. “It is alright love, I’ll go.” Ben suggests.

“No.” I state before leaving the room. Maybe that was a bit harsh but I want to spend time with my daughter.

\~.~.~.~.~/

Ben has taken Lucy for a walk to the park with Martin and his kids. Today is the first day I have been out of pyjamas for two weeks. I feel a little better but I know at some point Ben will want to talk about what happened. He doesn’t know much. All he knows is who, where and what…if that makes sense. He doesn’t know details just that I got raped. I am making coffee, I still feel nauseous whenever I eat. I have lost a lot of weight, maybe a little too much but I am trying to rectify the situation. There is a knock at the door which startles me; whenever the door is knocked or the doorbell is rung I am scared that it is him. I open the door with caution but am happy to see Amanda standing there. I signal for her to come in and ask if she wants coffee. After setting two mugs of steamy coffee on the table I sit down opposite her. She opens her bag and pulls out a brown paper bag containing fresh, hot pastries. I cannot help but gag, she doesn’t notice. “I have bought pastries.” She says.

“No thank you, I am not very hungry.” If it was anyone else sitting there I would probably take a bite just to be polite but I and Amanda are close. She sighs before setting the bag to one side.

“Listen y/n, we are all very worried about you. We know that you have been through a lot and I really look up to you because of that but you are being too quiet and you are not eating enough. You are on the verge of being anorexic. Talking helps, just please talk to me.” She looks at me and I nod. “Tell me what happened.” I rub my head in my hands and stay silent. “If I hadn’t talked when I had my cancer scare a couple of years ago then I may not be here today.”

“Cancer scare?” I inquire.

“If I tell you, you have to talk to me.” I nod in response. “In 2012 when Martin was filming the hobbit, I found a lump on my breast. The doctors didn’t know it was cancer or not but I had to have an emergency operation. The thought of not being able to see my kids grow up scared me. I told Martin to stay in New Zealand and he obliged but when I went home there was package which contained a ring and bracelet to ‘cheer me up’. Lucky for me it wasn’t cancer.” I hadn’t known any of this before, but now it is my turn.

“I was in the office all day realising Starry eyes magazine and I went to tell…him how it went. I was about to leave to pick up Lucy from hospice when he…” I trail and Amanda nods for me to continue. “He pinned me up against the wall and…molested me I think is the best way to put it. He was too strong, I tried to fight him off but it was too late. Ben picked up Lucy from hospice came to me and took me to hospital.” I rush; I feel a little better having that weight off my shoulder.

“At least the doctors gave you the all clear.” She smiles warmly but I cannot help but frown. “They did give you the all clear right?” She asks her smile fading from her face. I look down at my hands, “y/n?” Her smile has been exchanged to a worried expression. I break down and sob, I hear the sound of a chair scraping along the tiled floor and the next thing I know is Amanda sitting next to me. I explain to her what the doctor said and she engulfed me into a hug. “You have to tell Ben.” She states and I shake my head.

“No it would only worry him.” I reply whilst wiping a straying tear from my cheek.

“It affects him too, please just tell him.”

Y/n thoughts?