Weird Things I Heard in School 4 | ✓

APUSH DUMP 2

Boy: "Baby Shark?"

Teacher: Oh, God. I will kill everyone if you start singing that song. I'll just start killing left and right.
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Teacher: Every year I've taught this class, I've mentioned his name - I know nothing about him - because it makes me happy. The guy was Felix Grundy. That's a fan-freakin'-tastic name!
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Teacher: Life lesson: don't invade Russia.
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Teacher: You can walk into a fudge shop and be like, "I want that one and that one and that one and that one." Then you get full of sugar and go kick some horses!
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Girl: Can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: You can do anything if you put your mind to it.
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Teacher: Curling knows no ages.
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Teacher: Man, you guys are, like, depressing.
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Teacher: They thought he would take orders directly from the Pope, just like every Catholic in here does. Whenever you guys have to make a decision, you're like, "Yo, Frank."
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Teacher: *whips out wallet* Okay, I had $80 on Saturday...let's see how much I have now. *meticulously counts money* I have $18!
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Teacher: There are certain ways to die - I'm gonna throw that out there. There are certain ways to die and this is one of them.
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Teacher: Not a good way to impress your friends. And their friends, in this case, were Adolf Hitler, so that's not good.
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Teacher: "Only Girl in the World" was my jam for a year. It connected with me on a personal level. I was like, "I am the only girl in the world. The only one that you'll ever love."
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Teacher: Oh, that's kinda hard to read, isn't it? *silent for a moment* Well, get over it. You have young eyes.
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Teacher: *singing* And we got slavery and we got that stuff!
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Teacher: This introduced the idea that you should marry your friend, you should marry your partner. Not the person with many goats.
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Teacher: I knew nothing about [my wife's] family when I first met her and when I first met her dad, I broke his finger!
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Teacher: Men and women are rolling around on the floor and at some point, butts are gonna touch. And that's how babies are made.
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Teacher: "Yeah, my song - 'Big Booty Girl' - I wanna give thanks to Jesus!
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Teacher: I can feel the eyelash in there, moving around my big giant eyeballs.
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Teacher: Yeah! Shake it, George!
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Teacher: *playing us a music video* Oh, don't look, children, there's some sexy times going on.
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Teacher: I don't know what Lamborghini's first name was. Let's say Giuseppe.
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Teacher: January 20th is an important day. It's a day when heroes and legends are born, so I've heard.

Teacher: ...That's my birthday, in case you didn't get that.
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Teacher: If you wanna fight about it, I'm right here. Come get some.
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Teacher: Naviga-ble?

Canadian boy: *tries to correct him*

Teacher: Shut up. Shut your face. Canadians, am I right?
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Teacher: Adolphe Sax, what did he invent?

Friend: The saxophone!

Teacher: Ya damn right!!
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Teacher: *spokesperson voice* Do you wanna get prom? Yes.
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Teacher: 3 is B as in "burrito." 4 is D as in, "Don't you want a burrito?"
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Teacher: My wife heard a thump and she was like, "What the hell is at the bottom of the stairs?" It was me! I was completely silent. Did I want to say things? Oh, yeah. Lots of words wanted to come out of my face area.
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Teacher: My toe was all black and bloody and the toenail had detached. And then I posted that picture online, like an American hero!
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Teacher: We watch "Glory" in class 'cause it's a movie everybody should see, but nobody goes, "I wanna be depressed as hell tonight!"
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Teacher: *singing* I want to roundhouse kick a professor.
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Teacher: [Las Vegas in the summer] is like when you open an oven and you're hit with that heat wave but then you walk into the oven.
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Teacher: Seven different times, he would be like, "I'm presidente!" and then things would get bad and they would kick him out, but he would always come back and be like, "Hola!!"
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Teacher: My little guy was playing basketball yesterday and there was another kid with a full-on mullet. It's 2018 - that's just some mean parenting.
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Teacher: It would have been John Harvard's birthday today. Founder of Yale!
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Teacher: We we're trying to figure out what color this was yesterday. It's like a pink-purple.

*a small debate ensues during which we try out different names*

Teacher: I like piurple! A kid yesterday said magenta and I failed him, so.
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Teacher: Eastern Colorado can go straight to hell.
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My very white teacher: My wife was like, "African American men in suits - yeah!!" And I'm like...you married me!
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Teacher: I'm sorry. If I did that, it's only because I hate you so much.
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Teacher: I knew a teacher from central Illinois who told me, "There's Lincoln and Jesus, in no particular order."
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Teacher: Baberaham Lincoln.
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Teacher: I'm kind of a - kind of an asshat.
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Teacher: If you write a crappy thesis in English class, your teacher will roundhouse kick you in the face. In here, I'll hug you and give you a Kit Kat.
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Teacher: I remember I was 23 when we invaded Iraq and there were a bunch of politicians saying. "We don't have enough soldiers...we might have to do the draft again!" And I'm sitting here like, "Oh, crap." My wife - she was my girlfriend at the time - was like, "If they draft your ass, I'm breaking your kneecap with a baseball bat. Look, it's right there. There's the baseball bat."
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Teacher: No off - no, you know what? If you smoke, offense.
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Teacher: Flip me up like this *faces ceiling* 'cause if I'm getting guillotined, I wanna see that blade coming.
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Teacher: The Confederacy would have become a bunch of third world countries. It would have broken apart because they're a bunch of asshats.
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Teacher: Okay, who actually hasn't seen "Back to the Future 2?"

Group of students: *sheepishly raises hands*

Teacher: *quietly* I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.
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Teacher: I've decided that if I ever lose my pinky finger, I'd just cut off my second toe and hot glue that bad boy on there.
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Teacher: Here, I've got this bullet - don't ask me why I have it, just deal with the fact that I do -
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Teacher: *about to play god-awful music* Every generation has that one event that changes them. This is your 9/11. Oh, that was bad.