My Something ~Aarmau AU~

My Private Life

10/23/18

7:46am

So I can't take this bullshit anymore. From stuff with my family and my friends I just hate it so much.

Let's start of with my family. They all hate me. I have no idea why but they all do. I don't exist to them and probably never will unless I cure the biggest illness in the world or accomplish something huge. I've lived with that my whole life and accepted that already cause I know there's nothing I can do anymore. But my dad is where a lot of my problems come from. He has really bad anger issues and had a drinking problem after his first wife died. His first wife died and that really got him down so I think that's where some of it started. Along with the fact that every single day he's ruining something. He ruined his relationship with my brother, his family, his girlfriend, and me. I wanna say something but it's harder then it seems to be because I've gotten so terrified of him. Plus no one can accept when I'm right and that I can actually be right just because I'm not 18-19+. My brother is turning out just like my dad and I have to be the fucking adult to try and get into his head and get him to stop because no one else will. If my dad got help when he was younger he wouldn't have lost so much and my brothers heading down the same path. He's only 11. This shit is too much for only me to handle and I'm tired of it.

Also at school and in life my friends barely notice me. I also don't exist half the time to them. I only have about 3 friends who don't ignore me. When I went to New Brunswick with a friend of mine I broke down on one of the last nights with her. I won't say her name but we did shed a few tears. We both didn't have the best lives. She had her private problems and I had mine. That night was actually a great night because I got to open up finally to some one without other people around and asking what's wrong. It helped get a lot of things off my chest. But everything in life was still the same. I honestly do hate my life quite a bit. But there's little moments in life that honestly do make it worth it to try and make the best out of what I have.

I don't have a good feeling in my stomach about all of this. I know someday sometimes gonna happen to someone wither it be my brother, my grandparents, my dad, anyone else, or me. I honestly know that something will happen. It's not a matter of if but it's a matter of when.

And I think that there's something my dad isn't telling us. He's a completely different around his friends than he is with us. I think maybe when his first wife died he kept in his feelings too long and could still be taking it out on my brother and I. I want him to get help and get better. I know that there's someone in there I could get to know.

But maybe it's all my fault. My friend keeps telling that it's not my fault but everyone else makes me believe it. What did I do wrong? Why me?

But then again, I have only have about three friends that don't treat me like shit and they're amazing along with a few internet friends. They're all always there for me and I couldn't thank them enough. What I've learned to try and do is when a moment comes when I feel like giving up I think about the good things I could accomplish if I keep trying. With having a family like this I could let people know that they're not alone in their struggles.

I love you all so much. Thank you for being here when I needed you.💖