what led to us

finale

"y/n's dead"

my body crumbling at the sound of the two words. this was impossible. my heart was lost, it was no longer located in my chest, feeling like it had stopped beating. for i wish it had. all this time thinking she was off somewhere with another guy, wondering what i'd done. yet she was gone. the thought of when her last breath was causing the endless tears to stream down my face and out of my existence. the existence that was seizing to have any point. she was gone. i'd lost her forever.

i couldn't think of anything. just the thought of her was consuming my every being. an overdrive of sadness, guilt and pain washing through me on a continuous cycle. the cries from my throat the only sound echoing in the house she'd never return to.

waiting for her to walk through the door, always tripping over the door mat. then laughing in the sweet way she did, i could never once again mock her clumsiness, never see her smile turn into a pout as i stared at her lovingly, all those times i held her in my arms feeling the warmth of her skin on mine, the way she rested her head on my chest, listening to the beat of my heart, which only did for her. wanting to hear her voice, her chuckle, the way she made me smile with just her hands stroking my back on the nights where we couldn't sleep. the way she'd tell me all the reasons she loved me when i was stressed.

there was nothing i wouldn't miss, the 'i love you's' that she snuck into small conversations we'd have in the dark, when she'd wrap her hand around mine in comfort, letting me know she was there, and which told me she wasn't leaving. yet that was a lie. i couldn't feel her touch anymore, would never feel the warmth of her kisses between our laughter that echoed through the house we shared, hoping for a future that we could have together, one that we promised. broken by the absence of her.

if i could only see her face again, her eyes that held this beauty and love, curiously observing the world, her nose that would scrunch at the smell of the foods she didn't like, laughing at the memory, the way she bit her lip nervously, the way they shaped her face into a smile, that smile. if i could only admire her one last time, go back to the moment when i first saw her. when her face became the only face i wanted to look upon for the rest of my life. she was like no other and she was gone. my love, stripped from this unfair life. the life i was now living without her.

"p-please come bac-k" i kept sobbing the words, shouting them into the arms that i'd wrapped around my crumbling body. i wanted her to hold me, tell me everything was going to be okay. but she wouldn't. couldn't. the pain of realising the last time i saw her, we were both in tears. last time seeing those eyes, they were masked with sadness. if i knew she was leaving me forever i wouldn't have let her go.

why did you let her go...

[later into the night]

i woke up, in the middle of the living room, still curled up in a ball on the floor. when i realised i had cried myself into exhaustion i remembered why. the tears continuing there never ending escape. the letter.

i looked to my side the letter still on the floor. i hadn't even thought of looking at. i didn't know what was inside all that i knew was that, it wouldn't bring her back so why read it. i wanted to rip it into pieces, fall into a never ending sleep and dream that i was still with her. that she was still here. but the letter from her was all i had left. so i opened it.

lines and lines, the page was covered in her writing, the sobs started again as i stroked my finger over the indents of the paper where her handwriting had dug into.

dear yoongi, my baby

i know this was never what you wanted, if you're reading this i expect jae told you. this was never easy for me to do. i knew what i was doing and i was wrong to lie to you. the guilt filled me every day, every moment i spent loving you. i didn't know you'd become my world. i didn't know id find you, that you'd be the one. i'm sorry...