Baby Daddy! °Matty Healy°

°46°

*7weekslater*

My life had gone back to normal. Just like before. The ordinary. Lonely.

Matty had done as he promised, the last time I saw him, and left me alone. No texts. No calls. No randomly showing up on my door step. Though he went through my best friend last night to speak to Timmy. Ringing her phone and using her to ask how he'd been doing.

And I can't lie, it hurt. Deeply. But what could I say. I made this happen. I asked for this. So now I was left to deal with it.

Jessie was still in the unknown about my situation, throwing her a lie that Matty must have a new phone and lost my number. Mainly because I couldn't face having to admit what was happening yet again. And I gathered if I didn't speak the words out loud, if I refused to speak of the 'P' word, I could pretend for a little while that it wasn't happening.

Though she had noticed some differences in me. From my mood swings, to my regular bathroom trips to urinate more, to even finding my head stuck down the toilet a couple of mornings. But for some reason I wasn't yet sure of, she hadn't questioned me about any of it, or assumed anything, like she usually would.
Maybe Matty had told Adam, who'd told her? Maybe she was pissed off with me at what I was doing. Or maybe fuming for believing my own lie that this baby wasn't his.

But for now, I couldn't think of any of that. I was desperate to put this baby and Matty, to the very back of my mind. Figuring I'll just deal with it when and if I have to.

I was in the room last night, when Matty called. Trying to avoid Jessie's confused scowls as Matty had a quick conversation with her before she passed the phone to our son.

The deflated tone of Matty's voice as he spoke to him had really struck a chord with me. He sounded lifeless. Monotone. As though he'd given up. It was never my intention to hurt him, to make him sad. But then again, all the times he'd hurt me and made me sad, he probably hadn't meant to.

Timmy sat babbling on as usual, excitedly shouting daddy every now and then, recognising his father's familiar, soft voice, until it all became too much, watching them both engage, bond, as I sat here, with another child of his growing inside of me. Something in me was screaming to stop this, and with that, I found myself standing, and rudely ending the call. I didn't speak a word to him, and this was the way it had to be now. Because not only was Timmy in danger now too, from this psycho ex of his, but this baby too. And that was all I could concentrate on.

Because that's all that mattered now. My babies. Keeping them safe and away from any harm. I didn't need distractions or my feelings getting the better of me anymore. I didn't need him clouding my brain and confusing me further. I didn't want to be angry anymore. I just wanted this to be easy from now on.

It had to just be us three now. No Matty. No band. No fans. And no Jessie.

As I looked around the half empty flat now, with mine and Timmy's things packed up and ready to go, a panging struck in my chest. Saddened and riddled with guilt that I'd put myself in this situation, knowing there was only one place we could go now. Away from it all.

I dialled the number again, checking everything was still okay for us to turn up. My heart thumped as I waited for her to answer.

"Hello?" The stern, coldness of her voice caused my shoulders to immediately stiffen.

"Hi, mum" the second word was like venom on my tongue. But knowing I had nowhere else to go, forced me to ignore the voice in my head screaming at me that this was a bad idea. "Are we okay to still head over with our things?"

"Of course!" She beamed. Even sounding somewhat excited. Though I knew it was all fake. To go with her fake breasts and lips. But that's all she said. No asking how we were, no offering to help us move in.

This was a really stupid idea, I was fully aware of that. This woman and that husband of hers had never given a stuff about me since the day I was born. And whenever they showed the slightest bit of interest, I was aware it was always with a motive behind it. But what else was I meant to do? Where else was I meant to go?

With Jessie now shacked up with one of Matty's best friends, it made things impossible for me this time. Leaving me having to do all this alone this time round. It was evident me and my best friend hadn't been as close recently, she was out more times than in. With her phone stuck to her hand most days, everyone else was invisible to her now. And that was fine. I was beyond happy for her. But she was the one I felt I'd lost without my doing, which made it all the more harder to leave her.

Placing the pen down beside the notebook next to the front door, I quickly read over my quick goodbye to my best friend. My only friend, ridding a tear from my cheek, frustrated this is how it's ending, before grabbing at Timmy's pushchair and struggled out of the door with our bags, forcing myself to not look back at the only home I've ever had. The only family I've ever had.

** I'm sorry you're having to read this. I'm more sorry that things have come to this. But I have to go. Things have become such a mess and I can't deal with it anymore, any of it. Please don't call me, I'll have changed my number. And please don't waste time looking for us. It's just best this way. Thank you for everything you've ever done for me and my son. You've been the sister I never even knew I wanted. You've been the only person I've had most days and I couldn't have survived without you, literally! Don't be sad. Please don't hate me for this. Go live your life now.
I love you. Timmy loves you too.
Take care! XxoxX Tay.