Me and you

More moments

We went to Starbucks to get food and coffee to eat back at his place. The entire time I thought about our conversation in the changing room, and what he meant. Was it just a throwaway comment, another way of him telling me I looked good in the dress? Or was it more than that? Surely if he was just being nice there wouldn't have been that look, or him leaving after he said it? And I didn't know how I felt about him. At times I would crush on him a lot, and I was really excited to see him; more excited than I normally am to see people. But other times I saw him as a friend, nothing more. Besides, even if something did happen between us it wouldn't last longer this summer because I lived on the other side of the country; and it wasn't like I could just fly out to see him whenever the hell I wanted; I was a college student, I had commitments in California. My family, my friends, my job. Everything was there and he was in Ohio. So nothing would work out. Long distance relationships just didn't work for me.

My train of thought was broken by Kells asking what I was thinking about.
"Oh, I was just staring into space," I replied
"Ah okay,"
"Who looks after Casie when you're out, like tonight?"
"Usually Ashleigh. She's like a second mom to Cas,"
"Did you raise her alone?"
"Yep. I'm just glad I have Ash because I don't think I could do it without her. All the travelling and shit that comes with my job wouldn't be good for her,"
"You're such a good dad. And you had her so young as well,"
"Yeah, well... I'm glad I did. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. My whole life was just, like, I don't know. When she was born I was like oh shit it's not just me anymore I have this baby and I need to take care of her and myself, you know? Up until then I didn't really have nobody I needed to put before me but now I'd do literally anything to make her happy. I'd take a bullet for that kid without hesitating,"
"I can tell; you really love her," I said
"Yeah, but sometimes I think am I bad father? Like sometimes I go for months without seeing my kid in person because of tours and movies and shit. An' I want to bring her with me to all these different jobs I get, an' she wants to come. But she needs to get good grades in school because I barely got out of high school, and I want her to get good grades and work hard and go to college if she wants to and have all these opportunities to do what she wants to do in life, you know?"
"I get you,"
"And don't get me started on what kind of shit happens on tour. I don't want her to see me like that. I want her to see me how she does right now, how I am when I'm with her. Not a fuckin' mess with different girls every night. It's fun, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I need to slow down on tour life, you know? Settle down with someone. Stop getting so fucked up all the time. Mac, Peep, I don't want to be next. I don't want Cas going to her dads funeral at the age of ten; but I don't know how to slow down. Every time I go away, I promise myself I'll not go as crazy, but I just give up each time," I didn't know what to say. I'd never experienced a tour, so I couldn't relate. "Fuck. I just unloaded all my problems on you,"
"It's okay. I kind of get the feeling that was the first time you'd done that in a while,"
Kells half-heartedly laughed "Yeah,"
"I have an idea,"
"Oh no,"
"No, hear me out," I said "Tonight, at the party you can only drink; and smoke one joint. That's it,"
Kells looked at me as if I'd told him he had had to quit music and move to a Siberian ice farm or something along those lines "What? I don't think you understand how crazy these parties get. I'm talking doing lines off strippers kind of crazy,"
"I didn't say go cold turkey, you can smoke a joint and drink,"
"But Dev. Most parties are here," he poured a bit of water into a cup "And then this party is here," he filled the cup up to the top
"You don't have to do it, I was just suggesting it since I'll be there and with you all night since I don't know anyone at this party,"
"I mean, I guess I could try. But I'm not promising nothing, okay?"
"Okay, I'm satisfied,"
He laughed "I'm glad," There was another one of those moments again.
"You better drink all that water you know,"
"I will. Watch I can chug it in one go," Kells said. He didn't succeed. He almost threw up. It wasn't cute.