THE BIG LITTLE BOOK

55 The coundown

In one of the days of desperateness I once considered normal, I heard the N.A.S.A countdown
« 5..4..3..2..1 »
back then I wanted to stand tall,boldly wanted to get back up again by the time number one sneaks into my acoustic canal -which is located in the external ear Incase you're asking - as soon as I sensed my bare feet on a carpetless floor ; there was this firm Grip pulling against the direction I'm heading to, so guess what? Falling this time was...was harsher, I may not physically have crashed my ribs until they penetrated my abdominal organs but mentally it was literally as if my mind had automatically reprogrammed itself to feed on disappointments as my former inner voice fought against corruption i wasn't able to do anything...I was a house half built whom had given up on its foundation, there was this freeze in time when i definitely knew it wasn't a pause.
It was a void in space I'm caught up in .
They call it self loathing and it's harmful actually, but if I could -and just for five minutes- sit peacefully with myself I would have chosen that ... that is not a self made state i promise. My mind was on the auto pilot mode, I lost control of it, yes it's as simple as complicated as it sounds and I don't fully blame me my patents or my circumstances although they have made it worse, because there was more of what we didn't know than what we had already listed in our brain alleys. Spirits of heaviness brought about negativity to hug my sensitivity into a blast of brutality that took over my senses. It was a Gaunt-faced monster that didn't live in my closet nor under my bed,but within me and it was hard to hear the advices of « get over it », because in order to get over something and rise, you most certainly have to define it at first.for me it was foggy I couldn't activate my own sense of direction, not knowing how high should I leap to end up on the side of safety, all I can tell you the ache was settling down my spine that I couldn't move, all I had was my few excuses on why I couldn't get anything done because I couldn't put in words how absent my consciousness was and most importantly why.
The lights went off... Goodnight.

it wasn't the end .
After four years of this repetitive cycle I wasn't expecting freedom .
But if we could expect and figure out every single thing in life then what our faith is here for ?
Self-made change with all this illness was not an option for me, and all I had and still have till this moment is my free will to ask for help .
I was in front of two choices: 1) medication
2)Jesus
I can't deny I chose the first. Calling the therapist for an appointment more than four times without a reply, I found myself left with the squad of demons i friended to wander in the land of un-satisfaction and materialistic lust...but this is not me ! There was never a day I felt like myself under this darkness where I was footed by the devil and cried .. if I had to go through it all again I'd be mortified and if it were in my situation you would have committed a homicide. Yes it is this hard .
Right in May 12th 2018 I mumbled "Jesus deliver me "