THE BIG LITTLE BOOK

57: repentance

What does if feel like when you hear the word happy?
Personally I couldn't relate
As if it's something I had never get to taste
Like I totally forgot about the truth
And life is an unwanted party I'm arriving to late
And if you ask me how enjoyable it was
I Would've chosen not to rate
I wish the events of my birthdate
Were click bait as they had never existed
Sorrow in the garden of agony is the grape I ate
Couple hugs didn't succeed to compensate
And the breaking of me accompanied the devil's scream of "checkmate "

Self worth?! What is that
I lost it and the idea of it is something I deactivate
the urban crisis of believing in fate
Had me confused
But the main confusion is people still having the debate
Where they conflate
Anxiety and depression with free will and choice
Do you think I chose that
I may be bad
Yes I acted rad
Everybody called me mad
But my self was everything I had
it's sad
And now you can't seem to understand
I lost my way defining myself
Now I'm denying myself to find the way
And it's so far from what I planned
I lived in a self created land
We're materialistic lust dominated
And peace was banned

I want this life no more
Why do I have to exist where I can easily sell my self worth in a one dollar store
Why do I have to bare with a dad so unloving and a mom so caught up in chores .

In a moist day of September
I was in a situation I never asked for
I heard a knock on my door
And It honestly didn't sound like the knocks before
But I walked and held my breath behind that door
Sensing him on the other side as if his words is something I always wanted to explore
But
I was so afraid so soar
that
I didn't open
Little did I know if I did I would've encountered whom I would adore
Time passed and I'm really regretful
But the Lord was loving and he knocks again
Little did I know this specific time I shouldn't stay in my lane
Little did I know if I opened he will take away my pain
And then conclude it in one blood stain
He could've sit with me that day
I could've finally called him my main
But ..
I didn't open

I gave up on me
Jesus didn't
He knocks again
This time my faith was screaming
And the sound ripped my heart
It's a full brokenness to full restoration process where I had to be torn apart
If my savior's mercy was a song it would have topped the chart
He knocks louder than ever
He is the leader of the lost and the most loving shepherd
Who said it will be easy ?
But for sure it's gone be worth it
Choosing God is clever
But it's Grace however
It's his passion towards us
That molded me when I was under pressure
I cried but I had known its for the better
But after all this damage I lost faith
And asked if I'll ever recover
It was a dark black whole filled with terror
And I couldn't make a decision until I encountered his cross
The only source of comfort I seemed to discover.
The road is truth
Truth be told I had to open up
And I did it time after time until I became a confessor .
As it became blurry
I realized my worry is burden I'm never meant to carry
I shouldn't bring out a past holding me back from salvation I knew it's the first thing I should burry

I'm forgiven .