Ninjas of Love

Match Report: PINC vs. CRDL (Round 1, Match 3)

Commentator: As I previously stated, this is your final fight before the lunch break on Day 1 of the 40th Annual Vytal Festival Tournament, and it will be contested between Atlas Academy's all-female fan favourites, Team PINC, and the all-male team from Beacon Academy, you can call them public enemy number one, or just Team CRDL. This one has all the makings of a traditional curtain-jerker, the matchup that gets the fans truly invested and involved in the tournament this year.

And making their way to us first, entering to the Main Theme from the soundtrack to Robocop on the Nintendo Game Boy, it is Team PINC. From left to right, they line up as follows: Penny "Natural Born Killer" Polendina, Iris "General" Kota, Nadeshiko "The Big Geisha" Ibushi, and Ciel "Jamais Sans Victoire" Soleil. Despite the Atlesian roots, these four specialise in the typical Mistralian samurai style of fighting. They live the ideals of fighting spirit, disciplined defence, and committed attack. Penny's swords have innumerable uses, and it's not like the other trio are slackers either. Iris wields a beautifully transfiguring combination of slingshot and an original mêlée weapon that resembles a violin bow restrung with cheese wire, and Nadeshiko has, as she's showing the fans, two beautiful fans that operate as throwing blades, like Oddjob's hat and close, handheld slasher weapons. Finally, Ciel has her weapon that she has named the Violeur de Bébé. In its compact form, it's the common-or-garden Atlesian standard-issue handgun, but when expanded it becomes an oversized falx, an almost sickle-like weapon ideal for slicing down waves of enemies at once.

And their opponents today are these four, who have requested I refer to them as The Awesome Foursome or, failing that, the Fucking Cock Destroyers, making their way to us to the sound of Tim Wilson's magnum opus Booty Man. They are Team CRDL, and they line up, from left to right, in the form of Cardin Winchester, Russel Thrush, Dove Bronzewing, and Sky Lark. Cardin has a mace, a big, boisterous weapon for a bigger, boisterous-er boy, and that destructiveness is accentuated by Russel's oversized, dust-powered daggers, Dove's Hallstatt sword that compacts into a gun capable of spitting more than three rounds every second, and, lest we forget, Sky's fearsome, matte black halberd. This team doesn't look for ranged prowess, they simply want to be the most powerful, most destructive melee masters in the World of Remnant. And that's a very honourable way of thinking, but when it necessarily be of help when they are taking on Team PINC, who will not stop fighting until they drop dead. This will be a battle of power versus heart, fan favourites versus easy-to-hate assholes, plucky underdogs versus egotistical oppressors. And it kicks off right after the two teams are cleared to compete by our first Vacuan referee of the year, Mariam Edilashvili, who is also the first female referee we've ever seen at this event.

Your two biomes for this matchup will be ice and fire, as the cold iron of Cardin Winchester's CRDL meets the burning passion of Penny Polendina's PINC. And with the sound of the Valish horn, we are underway here!

Cardin makes a run straight for Ciel, mace extended, but the young girl is having none of that as she moves out the way of the boarbatusk-like marauding of Mr. Winchester. This causes Cardin to run into a wall of solid ice just off the central platform, which is a double-edged sword for him. Not only is it going to leave some nice, browny-purple contusions over his face, but he has got his mace stuck in the ice. A quick pull and- no, that's not coming out. Cardin looks at his hands and seems to decide they'll suffice as Team PINC try to retreat from a slowly advancing CRDL, but they need eyes in the back of the head, as a preoccupied Iris Kota finds herself just a smidgen too close to Cardin, who drives his outstretched fingers right into the trapezius muscle of Kota, causing her to freeze and drop her weapon. Cardin runs the wire along his fingers, and decides he can't let it stay. With a tremendous yell of "YEET", Cardin has launched Iris' weapon out of bounds.

And so Ciel brings out the Violeur De Bébé, and slashes it around the ankles of Team CRDL, keeping them at bay after she catches the ankle of Russel Thrush causing him to scream out an unbroadcastable word. As she does this, Nadeshiko begins to throw her discs, which miss all of CRDL and boomerang back to her- except she refuses to catch them, and they catch either side of Cardin's head before swinging back round to a now-grateful Nadeshiko Ibushi. Penny's back opens up- WAIT WHAT, sure why not, this is RWBY for fuck's sake, anyway, Penny's back opens up because why wouldn't it, and three small knives come out. Seemingly using the power of her mind, the knives jut backwards and swirl round, actually tying Cardin up like she's a cross between Christian Grey and the Rebel Alliance taking down the AT-ATs in Star Wars.

And with him now out of the picture, and realistically Iris gone as well due to a lack of weapon, this becomes a 3-on-3. Iris is, in fact, sat on a small crag in the lava biome, and I think CRDL have agreed non-verbally to leave her as long as PINC leave Cardin. As both teams acknowledge this tacit agreement, Ciel switches weapon forms behind her back, and finds herself wielding that standard-issue handgun. She fires a shot, but Russel freezes it in mid-air with his dagger. Sky jabs forth with his halberd, but Penny simply slaps it away from her- she's having none of it. As Nadeshiko dashes forward, but has a fan slash kept at bay by a blindside attack from the edge of that Hallstatt sword, Ciel puts the gun in her pocket and climbs. The five others are locked in a battle for supremacy, taking chunks out of each other. Penny is the lowest on 34%, but they're all slowly falling down. Where is Ciel Soleil going? She's gone all the way round and behind Team CRDL, what is she doing?

She lands gracefully and silently behind Sky Lark, and pistolwhips him, knocking him dizzy. It's 3-on-2 again, but it's in PINC's favour this time- but not for long as Ciel goes for a sneaky second pistolwhip, this time to Russel, but gets kicked down as her gun falls; Violeur De Bébé only being saved from that lava by Iris Kota, who grabs it and fires a shot right into the neck of Russel Thrush- that'll be 8% for him. Penny looks up and notices this on the LED screen, and removes a knife from Cardin, as it flies straight into the thigh of Russel, and that'll do it surely- NO! 1% AND RUSSEL IS ONE TOUGH MOTHERFUCKER!

But no, it is over now if Ciel can do this. It's a dirty trick but she's set up to bite Russel in the cock but she can't pull it off as Sky smacks her down with his halberd and taunts her for being a, and I quote, "disgusting little brown fucker". That taunt proves costly though, as he doesn't have time to see the flying disk from Nadeshiko, which hits him in the head and flies back. These fighters are spent, but Penny has one more trick up her sleeve. She releases Cardin, but not before she spits in his face, and her three free knives join eleven others in a dance that becomes a circle. And, with some sort of magic, a green beam fires straight into Sky Lark and Dove Bronzewing, and when they're both now on 20% aura, that'll finish them off, and indeed it does.

The horn sounds again, and that will signify the end of this fight. The crowd erupt but Team PINC look too exhausted to celebrate with their legions of mostly teenage fans; they are four absolutely spent young ladies. But they have an undying desire to succeed and we saw that tonight. This fight ended with Iris unarmed, and Ciel on her knees- a bit like your mum. This is a momentous victory, but there's still three more to claim the crown, and I can actually see PINC having a shot at doing just that. There's a good chance myself and Pyro get to commentate on a final matchup featuring one of Team PINC- likely not Iris if she can't source a new weapon in time, but it could be literally any other of these girls.

I'm going to summarise this morning for you, folks. Liam Munn was shit and we don't know much about Team
BECK's combat ability yet, Key Borcat decided she didn't need working legs and performed a daredevil dive to ensure FNKI- that's Funky- saw off Team BRNZ, and then, in the real slobber-knocker we'd been waiting for all morning, Team CRDL commit a cardinal sin in leaving Penny Polendina unmarked and that- combined with the cunning of PINC- saw the Beacon team crash out of the contest. With that, I leave you for the lunch break- while your entertainment will be provided by a former Faunavision winner. This is Conchita Wurst from Atlas, and she will be performing her winning song "Rise Like A Phoenix."

***

"PENNY! Well done! That was so cool! You put down those assholes CRDL and you're through with our friends to the quarter finals!" Ruby cried out, hugging Penny so tight that the redhead thought her PCBs might snap. "You really think I'm.. cool?" Penny asked. "Yep! A badass! You tied that prick up like a dominatrix!" As Ruby reaffirmed her point, a massive smile grew on Penny's face. "Yeah, good work Penny!" Emily congratulated the ginger robot. "I always love to see someone emasculate or hurt that transphobic troglodyte, Cardin."
"Trans?" Penny asked.
"Yeah, when you w..."
"I know what it means; I'm not that sheltered in Atlas!"
"Oh, I know what you were asking. Yes she is." Charlie interrupted. "She's called Em by the way. And I'm Charlie. This blond asshole over here playing on his scroll is Billy." Billy grunted in acknowledgment. "And this guy over here, Foxy Bingo, is Kerian."
"I'll store that in my SSD. Em, I think we have something in common." Penny told her diplomatically, walking over to the cripple and sitting next to her. "What's that, Penny?"
"You're not a real girl either!"