Ninjas of Love

Match Report: SSSN vs. EEMO (Round 1, Match 4)

Commentator: And we are back, live and in living colour on VTV1, ready for the presentation of this afternoon's block of matches. First up, Haven's Team SSSN take on Atlas' Team EEMO in a match that could be something of a sleeper. There's very little expectation of a classic, but maybe that lack of pressure could nurture these teams to deliver just that. Without any further ado, let's get our two stables out here.

And first out, to a rapturous applause from the Mistralian contingent in attendance, accompanied by a song by The Beatles called Here Comes The Sun, well, here come Team SSSN! They line up as follows: Sun Wukong, Scarlet David, Sage Ayana, and on the right, Neptune Vasilias. Sun Wukong certainly means business today, as he lifts Ruyi Bang and Jingu Bang- in their staff form, no less- above his head and gives it a little helicopter-like twirl. Far from just a primitive bō staff, that monstrous stick of crimson and gold can also become a pair of nunchakus, or a lever action shotgun- it all depends on Sun's whim really. Scarlet David also carries around two weapons, his are named- and I'm thankful for an easy name after the Bangs- Stuart and Barry. Stuart is the good, old-fashioned, swashbuckling buccaneer's best friend- a nice sharp cutlass, while Barry is a flintlock pistol. Flintlocks are a bad like Theresa May. A lot of pomp, a lot of smoke- but the end result is far more likely to injure you than your opponent. Then onto Sage. Mr. Ayana brandishes what he likes to call the Sage Advisor. It sounds exciting and revolutionary, but- and there was a time when I'd have loved this- it's just a massive fuckoff sword with half a clock engraved on it. The hilt and pommel have some cool designs. How am I meant to make this into good television, Sage? It's like trying to host Top Gear but, instead of cars, we're going to review drywall or something else boring. Right, let's see what the sapphire-haired wonder, Neptune Vasilias, has to offer us. He calls it the Hyperdimension, and it seems to be the missing element to Sage's mundane weapon. And then another full weapon atop it. Not only does it have a guandao form, it can transform from there into either a trident (what an apt weapon for a man named Neptune) or a dust-powered gun that shoots electric bolts at the enemy, in this case Atlas' Team EEMO. EEMO will likely have to try and work a direct power advantage to get around the superior agility and astonishing teamwork and camaraderie of Messrs Wukong, David, Ayana, and Vasilias.

Speak of the devils, here come the third team representing Atlas Academy in four fights, Team EEMO, who have elected to use Sleeping With Sirens' masterp- ok, song- entitled The Bomb Dot Com V2.0 for their entrance. From left to right, they line up- like everyone else so far- in naming positional order. That is to say, the person whose name is the first letter of the team name is on the left, and so on. So they walk into battle as follows: Ebony Noire, Emine Enns, Mordant Cinos, and Onyx Juoda. You know what? Someone has to say it. Bit of colour wouldn't have hurt, lads. How do their weapons stack up to SSSNs though? Well, I'll tell you because I'm payed to. Ebony has a weapon that, I am informed, is called The Black Parade. It consists of a bludgeon that looks rather like an Irish hurl, that transforms at the push of a button into an AR-15 assault rifle- known colloquially as "the school shooter's best friend." Emine places accuracy over the powerful spatter of the AR-15, as his weapon takes the ranged form of a mediaeval longbow, powerful enough to pierce a Grimm's skull- if it somehow hits. In its melee form, it takes the form of two Ryukyan Tekkō, which are D-shaped, and are effectively like massive brass knuckles, amplifying the effect of any punch Mr. Enns throws. And you better believe it has a name. Oh yes. Emine Enns will be wielding the Soul Edge. Mordant Cinos, on the other hand, will be wielding what he has named Der Abscheider. It consists of two forms: a pair of traditional emeici, and a small handgun- that seems to exist as a formality rather than an actual offensive weapon. This moves us on, at long last, to Onyx Juoda. His weapon is called As Kančia, and I would like to reassure those of you who do not speak fluent Lithuanian that that name does not mean what it sounds like. Whatever it means, it doesn't change the fact that it's the confluence of the two forms of a whip and an EM-2 Bullpup. They certainly all know their way around a modern firearm, do the EEMO boys- but can they overcome the ninja moves of one Sun Wukong and his team?

Wukong and Noire shake hands with each other and with a Valish referee- hailing from Patch, his name is Caoimhin Ó Domhnáill. And after the typical checks, the referee clears the competitors of all potential wrongdoing, and we find out the biomes. This fight will be contested with the biomes of the ocean, and the desert. And as the pool of water opens up behind EEMO, Neptune looks as if he's wishing it wasn't too late to back out. And on the sound of the Valish battle horn, Wukong's SSSN and Noire's EEMO may engage- NOW!

As we've seen with the majority of the fights so far this year, there is no initial rush to the opponent. The only team to try that this year so far are Team LOLI, and we know how well that went for them. The two teams instead seem to be working out their tactics in the central platform. This is quite incredible. And with a pull-apart from their huddles, and a sporting nod from Wukong to Noire, the two teams begin to advance towards each other. Juoda launches a hailstorm of fire and fury toward Team SSSN, slowly chipping away at those aura levels, but Neptune fires him back into the water with a huge electric bolt. And there's a shout coming from Neptune of, "I'm not going after him in there!". Is this dissent in the ranks of SSSN? Sun is telling him just to go in there and do his job. And it seems for a second like the leader loses focus, but as Emine Enns sprints at him with his tekkō outstretched, a quick flick into the head from Ruyi and Jingu prove that Sun is just as focussed as ever on the task at hand. He pirouettes round and is able to block a flurry of tekkō-assisted punches with the staff form of Ruyi and Jingu before he catches Emine off-guard with the sole of his boot and drives him backwards. That buys Sun enough time for Sun to split his weapons into two nunchakus- called Riyu Bang and Jingu Bang. He swings for Emine's head with Riyu, but a large stone tekkō comes up to stop that, and now these two close-range virtuosos are stuck in a stalemate.

Meanwhile, Onyx has found himself laying low in the ocean, and makes like a cheetah to hide behind the shipwreck that Vale like to put in their ocean biome as a little trademark. He pokes his bullpup over the deck, and is ready to fire if needed. Neptune is free to team up with Sage to try and take out Cinos, and they aren't half making short work of it. I'm no mathematics professor, but I can tell you that two is bigger than one- and that a big-ass sword and a trident can do more damage, from a safer distance, than a pair of emeici pins. Cinos is panicked- he knows his aura is low, and that he has to make a last-ditch attempt at survival. He launches one of his pins towards his attackers, and it lodges in Sage Ayana's crotch- drawing an ear-raping screech from the young man. Neptune simply flicks a switch, and fires a bolt straight into the face of Cinos, and that will end this. SSSN get a lucky escape, as the two fist-fighters are so preoccupied with each other they fail to see their teammates, or aura levels, and Sun is only on 6%. It's fair to say, however, that Enns comes out on top of that battle- he's still on a much more respectable 24% aura. David and Noire were fighting each other, but they had a true stalemate, finding it very hard to land a shot. The biggest piece of damage either took was when Scarlet David tripped in the sand when besieging EEMO with Barry.

And there you have it, folks, SSSN advance to the quarter finals- the doubles round.

***

Weiss harrumphed and tutted at the result, as Blake punched the air in celebration! "RUYI BANG ME, WUKONG!" The catgirl's outburst was uncharacteristically emotive and happy. The majority of the people in her impromptu watch party laughed, as Weiss simply sighed in disdain. "And they think they deserve rights." The heiress muttered her racist beliefs to herself.