Just me.

Lists of my fuck ups

So here, I'll list all the things which are not right (I'm being positive over here and not blaming my self for each and everything). Will discuss each point in detail later. (Haha, how I begin my school reports)

1. I'm lazy.

2. I'm not passionate about the most important thing in my life. 

3. I'm stuck in a  loop of thinking about things that are not in my control.

4. I'm not able to stop my self from being stupid.

Trust me, this list can go on for 10 more points or maybe more than that. But if these are the ones that bother me the most. Forgive my English, but you know what, don't! Correct me. At least I'll learn something. But coming back to the post, so here I said that I'm lazy, which is true. I don't want to do anything and I can guarantee that all the other problems can be traced back to this annoying habit of mine. I'm lazy and I want to change. I've tried figuring out why am I this way, sometimes I find the answers to this question but on the other days, I'm just too annoyed at my self to even think about it. 

Do you have those moments as well where you just want to shake yourself and ask just one question why can't you be firm and actually get the work done? When you want to ask this question, no correct that, when you actually ask this question to yourself, "Why don't you stop complaining and actually get some work done. It's not that tough, other people are doing it. It's not like you're dumb and you don't have a brain, so why not use it?"  

Ok, that was too harsh, but I admit I have those moments. I want to do so much, but then I lose all sense of self and forget about my priorities. This gets annoying to the point that I just don't want to do anything, aka depression. I'm not depressed but I do feel that way, I want to do something and reading all those articles on the internet is doing nothing but giving me excuses about how long can I procrastinate. I guess that explains my second point. I want to be passionate about my studies and be carrier oriented. My dream is to be the independent, self-made boss lady.

I like what I do, but as soon as it gets tough I want to give up and do something easy or different which doesn't require that much effort. But then again it happens on some days, and while I'm writing this I have this strong urge to delete everything and say, well I do work hard or I'm not as bad as this sounds. But I know myself, and this is how I am. I want to change, 

On some days you'll find me talking about how I'll be living in Newyork in my apartment, being independent and awesome and going through life as I'm a damn queen, but then I'm doing this. This explains the points second and third. 

Now talking about me being stupid, I am really really stupid. I'm 23 and I still have issues like a teenager. I have crushes that absolutely crush me. I've been looking and searching for someone to consider me more than friends or even maybe more than that (I'm not going to say the word coz it's embarrassing and I'm honest but I still can't say it, so, please understand). And I embarrass my self constantly. So I'm stupid for even after saying that I'm never going to find that person, I'm still looking around for a sign. I don't know what do I expect for someone to fall from the sky or what.

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That sums up my rant, thanks for reading this. It was really long, but this is something I'm going through right now. I hope I get out this real quick. Btw thanks for all the views and votes guys. The day I got my first comment, it just made my day. So thank you :D