Knight

35

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions depression, suicide, and drug use

Sam Knight

It was out in the open now, my harbored secret that was driving a wedge between Mason and me. Telling him had not taken a weight off of my chest since he sat there stunned, as if he was unsure of what to say. His breath seemed to be caught in his throat and his mind had turned blank.

Telling Mason about my mother was something I knew had to be done. I couldn't keep large parts of my life a secret from him if we were going to have a relationship. That's just not how life worked.

"Can you just say something?" I muttered impatiently, my eyes involuntarily narrowing at the stunned boy beside me.

"Sorry," he said, shaking his head as if trying to get some thoughts into his brain. "I just didn't expect that."

Mason looked at me with a soft, apologetic look on his face. His eyes gleamed with sympathy, sympathy I didn't want but would gladly take if it was coming from him. Anything was better than him storming off and never speaking to me again.

I took a deep breath, gearing myself up to start explaining the situation before Mason put his hand out to touch mine, stopping me.

"You don't have to say anything else," he told me with a worried look on his face. "I should have never accused you of anything–"

"Mase," I hushed him softly. "It's okay. I need to tell you this, to get it off my chest." I didn't want there to be any secrets between us and this was the biggest one I had. I needed to tell him.

Mason nodded, but didn't say anything else, urging me to go on. I didn't know why I had felt so nervous about telling him this before. Part of me was worried he would see me differently and want nothing to do with me, but another part of me didn't want him to judge my mother. She already felt bad enough for getting herself locked up.

"It's not much of a story," I started with a humorless laugh, looking down at my shoes, the laces split at the ends in the most annoying way. "It happened after my dad died."

I heard Mason let out a surprised gasp. My father's death wasn't a secret and I assumed most people around here knew about it, but no one ever spoke a word of it. It was too tragic.

"I didn't notice at the time, but my dad was getting really depressed about six years ago," I continued, looking up at Mason to see that I had his full attention. His hair fell on his forehead the way I like it, looking purposefully messy and making me want to run my fingers through it.

"One day after dinner, about five years ago, my father went up to my parents' room and the rest of us stayed downstairs," I said, feeling my voice get heavy. "It was me, Jonah, and my mom."

"A few minutes later," I paused, taking a deep breath before continuing, "there was a gunshot."

Mason gripped my hand tighter, bringing it up to his mouth for a chaste kiss while I took a long pause before clearing my throat and starting again.

"Mom and Jonah ran up the stairs and when I went to follow them, Jonah pushed me back and told me to stay downstairs," I said, looking down at our entwined hands. "About a second later my mom screamed like I had never heard anyone scream before."

It was true. The sound of her scream was so ear-piercing I remember my hair standing up on my arms when I heard it. After the initial scream, there were sobs that sounded like they weren't even coming from a human.

"I stood at the bottom of the stairs, trying to find the courage to go up there and see what was wrong," I said, my gaze meeting Mason's attentive one once again. "I saw Jonah literally holding my mom up with this look on his face I can't even describe. It was almost emotionless, like he wasn't even alive."