Her Spirit Crying Out

the pain of loss

Loss it's something we all feel that cuts deep into us of course this thousands of different types of loss recently I've been getting hit with them one after another and it sucks it's hard to keep my head above the water everytime I think things are shaping up I start getting beaten down that feeling deep inside your chest like your decaying under the weight of everything that's happening it can make you numb it can stress you out it really can make you reevaluate Life Choices so I'll run you through a couple types of loss I've been hit with lately the first one I honestly wasn't too surprised to get hit with it was the loss of friends shortly after I started my job 90% of my time was taken up so I lost a lot of good friends that is to be expected after all how many people are really going to hang around when you can't make time for them it's natural instinct to want to spend time with your buddies and it hurts when they can't find the time to spend with you so a lot of my will call them generic friends quickly took off what I wasn't expecting is that a lot of my inner circle would turn on me I guess sometimes people have a blind spot when it comes to a place that they feel safe and secure they think that nothing will happen for me I lost chad that wasn't entirely surprising he was really angry and had some stress issues he couldn't deal with that he took out on others so it didn't bother me so much that I lost him what did bother me was the loss of frill and jake I got a funny meme from them every now and then but we don't talk or hang out like we used to fact I'm pretty sure it's been a month since I've even seen them that was tough they were two people I really confided in it was something that I guess I wasn't expecting the complete radio Silence from them made it tough when you lose someone close to you like that it almost feels like someone is ripped out a piece of your soul and no matter how much you go to grab for it it just keeps disappearing but that wasn't the biggest losses I've felt in the last couple weeks the biggest one I think comes with the loss of my freedom of speech it's a very scary loss and something we as a nation have fought for years to try to preserve but in this day and age there's definitely a blind spot when it comes to it for me it happens to be with my employer now you guys all know my lifestyle based on this book that you've been reading I talk about my lifestyle a lot it makes me it's who I am it's what I love and it cuts to the core of my soul unlike anything else when I got pulled into my cheif's office the other day I got told I can no longer speak about my life styles and I have to speak only about the job even when I'm just riding in a car with a partner when nothing's happening that's stressful last night was the first night I actually had to do that I was stumbling and finicking on my words I was stressed out and I was getting a headache because I couldn't even speak I didn't know what to speak about or how to speak about it and I sounded like a complete bubbling moron for me the big reason why I'm with the agency I'm with is for the camaraderie that goes with it but when that camaraderie is taken away because I can no longer communicate with my fellow officers who have told me that they not only don't have a problem with my life styles but are curious and ask questions and want to learn more that angers me so this is the blind-spot that we have As Americans today is when it comes to an employer we can get fired for any reason sure we can go to court and stuff like that but legal fees alone would wipe out most people wouldn't for me cuz I'm fairly well off but still these are guys I respect I don't want to go to open court and start fighting with them about First Amendment rights an employer these days can fire you for any reason they can just wait till you make one mistake and fire you because of that when actually in reality it's for something completely different I find this very unjust and most companies nowadays aren't even legally required to have an HR rep so in this case when you have a problem with the top person and you want to find a peaceful solution to it you can't the camaraderie is what makes the job the trust is and when I can't talk about me or trust my partners and my partners can't trust me cuz suddenly I've gone completely silent that puts a huge strain on the job if they can't trust you talking to them how are they going to trust you going to have their back when you go through a door or when they're in a fight on the ground with somebody and you have to go and pull them off so loss is felt in many ways lately I've been getting hit one after another and I don't know how much longer my defenses will be able to keep me standing-rachel