✔️ BAD NEIGHBORHOOD | hyunbinlix

XXIV

➳ why am i alone

➳ with all the people surrounding me

dread.

words stuck in your throat, sticky, sweaty palms, over-thinking things that didn't need to be over-thought.

LEE FELIX dreaded all sorts of things. small things, and bigger things. he dreaded going to school in the mornings, because of the secret whispers and not-so-secret stares. he dreaded coming home in the afternoons, just in case he would find beer bottles littering the floor and barely-functioning "parents", too drunk to know that what they did to him was wrong.

the thing he dreaded now was telling the two boys lying on either side of him the truth; what really went on behind the closed doors of the lee household. he knew he didn't have to tell them. he'd considered keeping it a secret, but he didn't want them to think he didn't trust them - he was just scared. he needed help.

he was awake. they were asleep. a soft light shone through HWANG HYUNJIN's blinds. he hoped the boy's mother didn't mind that he and SEO CHANGBIN had stayed over for the night - he didn't mean to fall asleep, but his boyfriends were just so warm...

making sure not to wake his boys, felix slipped out of bed and padded out of the room. he was wearing the same clothes he'd been wearing when they came to get him, but they were comfortable things he'd changed into after school - sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt. felix wasn't sure where he was going; he just knew he had to get away and think.

he couldn't face them like this. he was hideous.

the heavy makeup he'd worn the day before was rubbing off, nasty purple and green bruises making a map on his skin once again. ugly. ugly, ugly, ugly. you deserve this. you deserve every little cut and bruise.

'felix?'

he froze.

'you okay?'

he unfroze. it was just SANG SOYOUNG. just soyoung, the nicest and most accepting lady he'd ever come across. he had no reason to hide himself. ignoring the voices in his head for once, he walked towards the voice he should really listen to.

'i... i don't think i am okay. no. i'm not okay.'

if she was surprised he was talking so freely, or that he was a patchwork of bruises, or that he was awake so early, she didn't show it. she sat at the kitchen island, cradling a cup of hot coffee. 'do you want to talk?' her eyes widened when she noticed his injuries. 'hey, are you hurt? did hyunjin or changbin do that?'

'no, no. no way. they would never.'

she breathed a sigh of relief. felix heaved a sigh of his own, sitting at the bench with her.

'it's my parents-'

soyoung stopped him. 'you know... if you tell me, i have to take it to the police, right?'

'yes.'

'are you sure you're ready for that?'

'...yes. i don't want to leave tancheon, though. i'd miss jin and bin too much.'

she nodded. 'well, uh, you could stay here. yeah, you could stay here! with hyunjin! that would be good, wouldn't it? i wouldn't mind - the more the merrier - and i know hyunjin would be thrilled.'

'really?' he blinked. 'are- are you sure- are you sure you want me?'

'who wouldn't?'

who wouldn't. an interesting question, and one he'd never really thought about before. who wouldn't want him? the bullies. but did they really matter? no. the voices in his head didn't want him. he didn't want them either, so they didn't matter. and his parents... they didn't want him. they wouldn't have given him up otherwise. but he didn't remember them; he didn't care. his new parents. they mattered least of all. it was a nice thought to have. that, maybe, he wasn't really wanted by some people, but that those people didn't matter. and he had people who did want him around. maybe he'd try and think that way more often.

'um...'

'nobody. i'm taking you in, and that's final.'

maybe that's where hyunjin got his little bit of stubbornness from.

and then he told her. he told her all about the alcohol they consumed like it was just water. he told her all about the words and things they yelled at him when he made the slightest mistake (whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" was a filthy liar). he told her all about the pain they left him for him to look at in the mirror and cry over later.

he even told her about the extra pain. the pain he carved into himself with a blade and years' worth of self-loathing.

and she accepted him.

[ ➳ ]

his boyfriends were, of course, supportive when he told them, rubbing off the rest of the foundation covering his bruises. they called themselves silly for not seeing the signs (not that felix blamed them), and they kissed all his bruises better (cheesy, but thoroughly enjoyed by the receiving party), and changbin even cried a bit (he would never admit it, though).

and his dread was gone. dread of telling them, but also dread of the future - what would happen to him, how he would cope.

now his dread was replaced by something he hadn't felt in a long time.

hope.