I am his, and he his mine • cmbyn (DISCONTINUED)

☼thirty one☼

Please please play this while reading the last part. I'll put a little reminder at the part you need to start listening, I sort of based that part on it.

•

My back hurt. My eyes hurt. My head hurt. My heart hurt. Everything hurt. Lisa had ripped me to shreds. She seemed understanding at first, but I guess her anger had accumulated and burst suddenly. We were sitting in my small living room and she was staring over me while I was sitting on the couch, just taking all of her hurtful words.

"6 years Oliver! I wasted 6 years on your sorry ass! You cheated on me, Oliver! Was I not good enough? I gave you all of me! I could have had a kid by now, a little sweet child! But you—you stunted my life and now I have to start over. What did he have that he didn't? Oh wait I know, a di—" I stopped her.

"Lisa. Please understand, this honestly doesn't have anything to do with you. In Italy I found out things about myself that I was blind to. If I knew...if I knew the things I do now I would have ended things so fast. Why can't you understand that? I wouldn't purposely take six years away from you, hell, it was six years off of me too! Your not the only victim. I'm also losing a spouse. A partner. A lover. I'm losing someone too."

"Sure, but the difference between the two of us is that your gaining someone. A beautiful boy. He loves you so much Oliver, so goddamn much. Him and I haven't really talked much about you but...but we don't have too for me to know his feelings for you. The way he looks at you while you do everyday things, it's—it's infuriating. It angers me so much I can't love you like that. That you can't love me like that. That kid has a place for you somewhere in his heart, and it's huge. And I bet, when you leave, it's ripped out of him. A part of his heart is ripped out. I bet he's crying right now, mourning you even though your not dead. But that same weight is being heaved on him and he can't breath. I could never love you like that."

I looked at her in wonder. I couldn't say anything. She knew all along. The room spun slowly and she hovered in front of me. Her hand was on her hip and she looked down to the ground and sighed, "I don't know Oliver, maybe I'm just saying shit, but at least you have someone who cares for you like that to go home to once this is all said and done."

"Lisa—" I reached out to her.

"No, don't," she quickly pulled her hand away and headed towards the door, "look, I'm leaving. I'm glad we got to talk and...just get everything out in the open."

She grabbed her coat off the coat rack and held it, "we have the appointment with the attorney tomorrow to sign the papers. It's finally going to be over. Six years of lies, will be over. And before you say anything, it wasn't just lies on your end, I lied too. Your right, your not the only victim."

She spun around and put her hand on the door handle before sighing and saying,

"goodbye Oliver."

•

The liquor wasn't hot anymore. I got used to it. The liquid ran down my throat slowly and my head rested in my palms. I closed my eyes and sighed. I didn't want this. I wanted the perfect relationship, I wanted to bring my spouse over to holiday celebrations. I wanted to have family gatherings in our family home in upstate New York. I wanted that. I wanted a basic life that was seemingly useless. I didn't want to change the world or make a big impact, I just wanted to be happy. I wanted everyone to be happy.

I wanted it to work with Lisa. I tried to mend our shattered relationship. I cried for her to stay, I went on my hands and knees for her. I sat in our bed all night waiting for her to come home. No matter how evil she may make me seem, she can never say I wasn't devoted. I tried to love her.

My head started to pound. The liquor seemed to just go straight up to my brain when I swallowed it and now I started to feel it. My vision became cloudy and my whole body started to numb. (Go ahead and start listening ;))

Then I saw him.

He spun on his heel and he smiled to me, "join me Oliver!" He outstretched his hand and I stared at it for a moment. I knew what I was looking at wasn't real, I knew he wasn't really here. I'm not stupid. But I couldn't help it, I placed my hand in his and it felt real. It felt so real because when I touched his fingers and intertwined them together I got giddy. I felt like a little boy.

He led me off my chair and started to dance to music that wasn't playing before. He smiled and just watching him made me feel as though I was nubivagant. "Don't be shy, it's just me," he said comfortably when he realized I wasn't moving. I started to dance slowly before he took my hands again and bounced with me up and down and I got looser.

We twirled to the music and His lissom body danced with me and his beautiful smile beamed. He twirled and he bounced, all while keeping a hand of mine in his. His mellifluous laugh rung in my ear which in return made me laugh. Tears started to form in my eyes but i ignored their falling.

No matter my emotions that showed his ethereal body still spun insouciantly. He was so carefree, so beautiful. He kept spinning and spinning. Laughing and laughing. His ebullience made me fall to my knees. I just laughed through my tears while looking up at his beautiful body. My own body started to quiver just by looking at him. I missed him, and this just seemed to taunt me and I couldn't take it.

He noticed that I was on my knees and stooped down to my level, "don't be sad," he said before hugging me. I gasped at the touch and it became hard to breath. I cried on his shoulder and clawed at his shirt. I couldn't take this. My body felt so small in his soft grasp. And the grasp became softer and softer before it was completely gone. And I was alone.

I was alone crying on my kitchen floor, I oozed the smell of bourbon, and I was hugging a phantom. I dropped my arms to my sides and dropped my head and weeped to myself.

Blessed be mystery of love

•

<3

Xoxo