Amnesia

8

"Come on, it's been 3 days. You haven't said one word to anyone.  What's wrong, Sabrina?" She shrugged her shoulders, looking out to the ocean in front of her.

"Did something happen to you?" She slowly shook her head no.

"Did something almost happen to you?" She shook her head no again.

"Well then why aren't you talking?"

She huffed and stood up. She rolled her eyes at me and turned to walk away. I gently grabbed onto her wrist to try to stop her, but she yanked it away and left.

...

"I don't know what's wrong." Sarah said.

"You never asked why she wouldn't talk around this time?" I asked.

"I tried. A bunch of times actually."

"And what happened?" The front door opened and Corey walked in.

"Hey Y/N. Long time, no see." He said, smiling. "Hey Corey. What's up?"

"I came to talk to Sabrina."

"She's not talking." Sarah answered.

"Is she okay?"

"I don't know. You can go see if she'll even let you in." He knocked on her bedroom door. There was a loud thud from the door, meaning she threw something at it.

"It's Corey. Your spiritual brother. Farkle?" Sarah's phone buzzed from a text message.

"Sabrina told me to tell you, 'Corey, leave me alone or you'll regret it.'"

"Are you okay at least?" He called through her door.

No answer.

"I'm coming in." He opened the door and she wasn't in there and the window was up.

"Don't chase after her. I think I know what's wrong." Sarah said, gaining our attention.

"What is it?" I asked and Sarah sighed.

"This is the day she tried to commit suicide."

"SHE DID WHAT?!" Corey yelled. Sabrina's not going to be happy about this.

...
(Sabrina's POV)

For the past few days, I've been filled with regret, hate, anger, and over all sadness aimed at myself. The feelings got so intense that I felt numb.

I can remember last year so vividly and I just can't stop thinking about it.

The letters, the people, the hateful messages.

My tears, the numbness, the ocean.

Waking up in a hospital, my sister's pained face, and everything in general.

I locked my words away in fear of somehow showing what I was feeling, or letting anyone know that I wasn't okay.

It's not easy to forget about it, especially when tonight is exactly one year after I had tried to- well you know. I can't even bring myself to say it or say anything for that matter.

Every time someone tries to talk to me about it, I convert my sadness into anger, deciding that it's better that way. That way, I don't break in front of everyone.

I remember when I told Y/N about me having depression, an anger disorder, anxiety, and being bipolar. I didn't break, but just fractured. I've broke down before and I never want anyone seeing that side of me.

I wondered around LA for a bit before being somehow drawn to that ocean. I watched the sunset and the moon illuminate the water. I suddenly had a flashback.

User1- it was your fault Y/N left.

User2- you almost killed her several times

User3- you're a monster. I can't believe that you have anyone who loves you.

"Yeah, me too." I sighed sadly and threw my phone into the water, watching it sink further and further.

I looked down at my white shirt, seeing blood seep threw it but I didn't really care. I took off the locket Y/N gave me a while ago and opened it, seeing her and I smiling.

Tears fell freely down my face and onto the picture. "I'm so sorry, Y/N. I really didn't deserve you." I traced my thumb over the chain and buried the necklace near a huge rock near the coast.

I looked up at the stars in the sky and then all around me, thinking about if I should actually do it.

The thoughts kept screaming louder in my head though and every bad memory came hitting harder.

I thought that it was the answer at the time. That everyone would be better off if I wasn't here. That I couldn't hurt anyone else.

I went into the ocean and held my head under the water. I felt the stinging of my lungs, begging for air. My last thought was that, "I hope you can forgive me and I love you, Y/N.", then everything went dark.

I woke up the next morning in the hospital. My sister Sarah looked exhausted with tear stains on her face.

"S-Sarah." I croaked out and her head snapped to me. The next second I was wrapped up in her arms and she was crying into my neck.

"Why did you do it? Why didn't you tell us what was going on? Sabrina, we love you. Please don't ever do it again. I don't know what I would do if I lost you, what anyone would do. We love you, Sabrina." She sobbed.

"I-i'm sorry." I said, breaking down in tears. "I'm so sorry." I kept apologizing over and over again.

I pulled my legs into my chest, looking at the stars above me. I heard footsteps behind me and then someone sat beside me. I turned and saw Y/N who was looking at the sky.

"I know what you're feeling and I know why. Do you want to talk about it? If you don't, I understand."

I looked back up at the sky and focused on a star. I took a deep breath before asking, "Do you ever remember when you tried to? How do you forget about it?"

She furrowed her eyebrows and her eyes suddenly flashed with something that was too quick to catch.

"Well I found that it's hard to forget about it, but you'll get through it. Even now I'm not okay when I remember, but it gets better as I think about how I've changed and got better. Every now and then I think about it, but I start thinking about the good things in life and how I'm still here to enjoy them."

"Layla helped me, too." She added.

"Your therapist, right?" She nodded.

"She told me about why she became a therapist. She wanted to help people get through what she once went through. She tried it, but she talked about how she got through it 15 years later."

"It's going to take time, but I promise it'll get better." I laid my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arm around my waist.

"I-i'm tired, Y/N."

"Well let's get you back home then." I nodded and she picked me up bridal style and carried me to her car and drove me home.

"Can you please stay with me?"

"Of course."

We got out the car and went inside. We took a shower together and changed before going to bed.

"Y/N." I said.

"Yes." She answered.

"Thank you for everything." I said, putting my arm around her.

"There's no need to thank me. As long as you're okay, that's enough for me."

I smiled softly and I think anyone could see how much love I felt just by looking into my eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too, Brina."