Amnesia

20.

As soon as I got off the plane to Toronto, I was introduced to flashing lights, cameras clicking and recording my movements, and people yelling my name and asking questions in English and French. Now I understand why I have to wear sunglasses.

"Y/N, is it true that people saw scars at your last concert on your arms?" A reporter asked me and I paused and stopped walking, turning to face him.

"Well yes, but-" I tried to explain, but got interrupted.

"Y/n, is it true that you cut yourself in high school?" Another question came through.

"I'm sorry, but that's really none of your busines-" I got cut off once again by a different person who was holding a microphone near my face just like most of the people in the group.

"Y/n, is it true that you go to therapy?"

"Y-"

"Y/n, was it relationship problems that caused you to be depressed?"

"No. Not at a-"

"Was Sabrina Carpenter, your girlfriend, the reason?"

"Why would you even th-"

"Do you think you are setting a good example for children out there, who now saw that their idol does that to herself?"

"N-"

"Do you support that kind of behavior in people your age and children and teens younger than you?"

Why aren't they listening and asking so many questions? With the lights flashing in my face and a group surrounding me while asking personal things, it's getting over being too much for me to handle right now.

"Y/n, why did you even do that to yourself and then showcase it for everyone to see?" I opened my mouth in shock at her rude and accusing question, as she made it sound like I meant to show everyone which was far from the reason I did it.

As more questions kept getting shouted at me, I could feel myself on the verge of a breakdown and a panic attack waiting to happen right in front of them. To keep from doing so, I decided to shut down my emotions all together and tried to control my breathing. It's gotten to the point where I had to start doing it more often and this situation involving the news reporters and paparazzi was no exception.

"That's it. She just got off a plane and this is an extremely rude thing to do. Asking questions that are so personal isn't not only rude, but you're not giving her privacy. She's human. Why are you treating her like she's nothing more than an exhibition at a museum? Just leave her alone." A person spoke up from behind them, speaking loud and clear, and they finally stopped yelling questions at me and flashing cameras in my face.

They quickly dispersed and then it was just the girl who spoke and I. She took off the hood of her hoodie and the sunglasses she had on to show that it was my girlfriend.

"Thank you." I said, quietly, grabbing onto my suitcases and dragging them to the front of the building.

"No problem, Y/n." She spoke softly and combed her wavy blonde hair back with her hand. "Do you need help?" Sabrina asked, but it wasn't much of a question because she grabbed one of my suitcases anyway before I answered.

"Same hotel as last time?" I shook my head.

"N-no. It's t-the hotel you were in last time." I answered, stumbling over my words.

"Why are you stuttering?" She questioned, worried, as I didn't ever really stutter unless I was extremely upset but could manage to talk.

"I-I don't k-know. It's nothing." I responded and then she stopped asking questions up until we got into the hotel room I'll be staying in.

"Do you need help unpacking?" I shook my head no.

"Are you okay?" I thought for a moment before shrugging, my eyes looking down at the floor.

She took a breath in then out. "You're not. Come on, beauty." She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bedroom before closing the door behind us. We took off our shoes and then laid down on the soft bed.

"Do you want to talk about what you're feeling?" I shook my head again.

"Are you feeling anything at all?" She asked and I shrugged in response.

"Oh, I know what you did. Can you turn to face me?" I did and she put her arm around me. "You shut down your emotions, didn't you?" She asked as she started playing with my hair.

"Y-yes." I muttered quietly. She pulled me closer to her. "Y/N, baby," She cooed, "Can you let your walls down for me?"

"No." I answered.

"Why not?" She asked softly as she stopped playing with my hair and started caressing my head in an attempt to make me feel at least something good and to get me to relax and talk more.

"Because I'm scared." I answered, "What if I have another anxiety or panic attack? Or I do something bad? Or I-" I stopped talking. I stopped talking, because I knew what was starting to happen to me. I was letting myself feel and right now, that was the last thing I wanted.

"If any of those were to happen, I'd be right here with you to calm you down." She spoke.

"Please. Don't worry about me so much." I said.

"I can't help it. I love you, Y/N. So it's impossible not to, when I can tell that you're not feeling good."

"Okay." I sighed deeply, "All I want to do right now is just take a nap. This week has been so hectic and I barely got any time to rest."

"Okay, princess. Do you want me to leave then?" She asked and I quickly shook my head no.

"No, of course not. Can you please stay with me? At least until it's time for you to go on set?" I asked and she smiled warmly before giving me a soft, gentle kiss on my lips.

"Anything you want. Sweet dreams, beautiful. I'll be right here when you wake up." She said and held me protectively against her.

"Thank you. I really appreciate it. I," I yawned and then closed my eyes, "I love you." I mumbled before falling asleep, clinging onto her with my head on her chest and listening to her steady heartbeat.