Amnesia

28.

I had finished singing One Night Only by Jennifer Hudson, which was my second to last song if the night. I honestly considered canceling the show because of all the questions involving Sabrina and I, but I decided to continue with it since it wouldn't be fair to cancel it.

As everyone was leaving, there was a two loud sounds that made everyone run in panic. The security guard next to me quickly grabbed me and carried me out of the scene. As I glanced back behind me, I saw a person with a dark hoodie being held down a gun dropped from their hand. My eyes widened in shock.

A cab was waiting for me outside and I rushed to get in as I wiped off my face because it had started raining and they rushed to get me out. I heard sirens so the police had shown up. It's good that nobody got hurt or injured though.

I broke down in tears as a thunderstorm began, raining hard. We arrived at my apartment and by the time I got inside I was soaked. I laid in my bed and cried into my pillow, deciding that it was best to get it all out instead of keeping it in for so long before it gets a whole lot worse.

At this point, my urge kept becoming stronger. It has been getting hard for me in the matter of this week and knowing that someone could've possibly gotten hurt all because of me... that hurts more than anything.

I dragged myself to the bathroom and closed the door behind me.  I stared into the mirror and started yelling at myself.

"How could you not cancel that show! Someone could've gotten injured or killed! It's all your fault!" I yelled angrily at my reflection. I broke down again, crying so hard that I was finding it harder to breathe.

"It's all your fault. Everything is your fault. I deserve what's happening to me." I took it out from behind my phone. I put the piece of medal against my skin and dragged it across multiple times. I kept repeating, "It's your fault," under my breath with each new wound I put on myself.

I didn't stop until a hand grabbed onto mine and I looked up to see shocked, saddened, and concerned blue eyes.

"Just leave me alone. I'm begging you." I looked pleadingly at her, trying to pull me hand away but she wouldn't move.

"Let go!" I shouted at her, but she refused and instead kneeled down in front of me. She wiped the tears off my face with her thumb and left her other hand on my cheek.

"Y/N." I shook my head. "W-why'd you do it? What's wrong?"

"Please, just leave. Leave me alone." I said, my grip getting weaker against her.

"I want to help you. Please don't do this to yourself. What's wrong? Why are your blaming yourself for something you had no way of knowing was going to happen?" She asked. "You don't deserve what is happening and what happened to you either. Don't think for one second that you do."

"Yes I do, and I don't expect you to understand. If it didn't happen at the last part of the show, someone could've gotten hurt. I knew I should've canceled it." I said, my hand clasping tightly around the small razor blade. "Now it's just another thing to add my list of things that's my fault." I mumbled under my breath, but she still heard it.

"Nothing is your fault, bearbear. Try not to blame yourself for everything bad that happens."

"I remember saying the same to you." I said and she nodded.

"And I don't really blame myself for the things that I couldn't control. I want you to try to do the same." She said, combing my hair back with her hand that she previously had on my cheek. We locked eyes and she engulfed me in a hug. I started crying again and she rubbed circles into my back.

"It's okay. I'm here with you. We're okay. I'm not going anywhere. I love you." She kept whispering into my ear, soothingly. She kept holding me tight against her and I finally dropped it. She pulled away partially and I looked down.