The Way She Is

Chapter 14 ~ You Say You Love Me, But Do You Really?

Chapter 14 ~ You Say You Love Me, But Do You Really?

Three Weeks Later

Dan's P.O.V

Since being back from the hospital, Cadance had been round once, and that was just to collect her stuff. Of course she didn't come alone, Pj was with her to help. According to him, she was going to stay for a few weeks at his, before taking her to stay with her mum until she could find a more permanent refuge. 

It hadn't all been plain sailing though, more than once I've had to stop Phil from cooking because he was looking at the knifes strangely. I was even considering banning him from the kitchen at one point. But after a while he seemed alright.

So far he's been back for check-ups eleven times, where the nurses changed his arm bandages and asked him mind-numbing questions about how he was feeling, and emotional stability and other crap like that. The first time he went back in, I'd stuck to his side like glue, not letting his hand go until I was forced to. 

"Maybe you'd like to wait outside, Mr Howell?" The nurse had asked me, before commencing the bandage removal. Politely I'd declined, I mean, I didn't know how bad it was and curiosity had always been a strong, dominant trait of mine. Just by looking at Phil's expression, I could tell that maybe they were worse than I'd imagined ... Which they did turn out to be. 

Cuts. Everywhere. Too many to even begin counting. Just, I didn't even know where to look. There wasn't a single space that hadn't been violently sliced. To be honest, when I saw it, I felt a bit numb. How could he have done that to himself? I loved him and it hurt so much to see him with all those cuts marring his soft, pale skin. 

It got easier to look at them each time we went though, so at least some things were improving. His emotional state seemed fine to me, but the nurse's always wore a look of deepest pity whenever they questioned him. It didn't bother me, but had me slightly perplexed...

~*~

The rain was hammering hard against the floor length windows leading onto the balcony of our apartment as both Phil and I sat cuddled close on the sofa. It was unusually cold for the time of year, so we just bulked up on hoodies and fluffy cushions. Literally, we had about sixteen fluffy cushions that I hadn't even known existed! There were eight different colours, each as vibrant as the next. 

After a while, I lost interest in the film that we were supposed to be watching. My thoughts just couldn't stay still long enough to focus on what was happening, so I'd long since lost track of the story line. I must've been staring into space because the next thing I new, the credits were rolling on the screen and Phil was nudging my shoulder. 

"Are you okay, Dan?" He asked, raising an eyebrow and half frowning. I grinned in return. Of course I was, I had just been thinking about how odd it was that Phil had become the most important person in my life. Like, he was my best friend and my boyfriend and I never wanted that to change.

"Yeah" I smiled, before shivering. "I'm just going to get my duvet." With that, I lept off of the sofa, and sprinted to my bedroom before disappearing inside ...

Phil's P.O.V

I was boring him. Oh god, he's going to break up with me! We were watching a film goddammit, I thought it was a pretty entertaining, but then on reflection I guess maybe I should've known Dan wouldn't have liked it much. He was staring into space when I looked up at him, he ... What if he regretted telling me he loved me? What if he didn't anymore?! Oh god! 

My heart was racing and my mind was whirring with incoherent thoughts. Feeling panicy and blinded by the the only thing I was able to do was jump off of the sofa and sprint for the kitchen. 

The knives. The knives. Where did Dan hide the knives?!

I could feel my breath catching as Tears stung in my eyes. I was panicking. I didn't want him to leave me. It wasn't even crossing my mind that I was having a relapse! 

Suddenly, I pulled open a draw and was met with about 10 different sized, shiny knives. Without even thinking, I grabbed one and pulled at my sleeve with my free hand ...

Dan's P.O.V

I tried my best not to trip over all my stuff that was strewn about the floor, I hadn't really had much time to tidy my room as my mind had taken residence elsewhere, but I'd made a mental note to deal with it the following day. 

Grabbing my duvet off of the bed, I turned back and almost fell over a Dalek figure that had fallen from my bedside table. Instead of picking it up like a normal person, I'd just kicked it out of the way. Meandering my way back to the door with the large duvet bundled in my arms, I heard banging and crashing from the kitchen. Maybe Phil was making hot chocolate? 

Laughing to myself, I stumbled back into the living room and dropped the duvet on the carpet before glancing up and into the kitchen.

Shit.

"Phil, stop!" Sprinting to his side, I ripped the knife out of his shaking hand before he had a chance to  drag is across his skin. Throwing it aside, I pulled his quivering and tearful body into a hug. 

"Pl-please, I'm sorry! D-don't l-leave me, please!" At which point I began to sob as well. He thought I'd leave him? What for? 

"No one's going anywhere, and I'm certainly not going to leave you, Phil. I love you." I muttered, kissing his cheek and pulling away from the hug. His ebony hair was ruffled and hadn't been straightened in a while, but it kind of suited him. Reaching up, I went to wipe his tears away with my sleeve, but he jerked out of the way and pulled his knees up to his chest. 

"How can you? Look at me, Dan! I'm a mess, I'm broken, I'm better off not even here because all I do is hurt people!" His voice was hoarse and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How can he think that? Shuffling over and sitting beside him, I put an arm around his shoulders, bringing him closer so that he could rest his head on my own shoulder, which he did. 

"Don't you ever think that of yourself. I love you, do you hear me? Phil, you are perfect in every single way, and your flaws just add to your perfection. To me, you will always be that, because I love you." I could've said it a thousand times and it still wouldn't be enough, but I think twice would have to do in that particular instant. 

"I love you too." He mumbled, as I stoked his soft hair comfortingly. We stayed like that for a while, just sitting on the kitchen floor saying nothing at all. But it was the kind of silence that spoke a million words without even having to say one. The kind that informs that which could never be informed, and that silence was enough to convince Phil that I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Sometime later, I let my eyes wonder from the spot on the wall they'd been trailed on for 20 minutes, and they happen to catch a gleam. The knife lay shimmering on the foor a few feet from where we were, and it was all I could do not to yell at it. Bloody innanimate object. So instead I just thought to myself. 

Not today, motherfucker ... Not today.