Crashing Spirit

Chapter 4

He took care of the bill and we parted ways. He sent a text letting me know he went to his Ma's house and to let him know I got home safe. I sent him a text letting him know I got home okay but I also said I got a weird vibe from him towards the end of the night. The vibe I got was while we were eating and when we were discussing the relationship stuff,he obviously thought I was crazy since I told him when we first met I was looking for a long term relationship. Of course I got a weird vibe, I was saying all the wrong things. I go on to say "maybe just tired..but glad you are safe for the night. thanks for a fun night. not sure if I will make it for dinner tomorrow want to just chill for the day really. Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.Good night." and I didn't hear back from him that night. Of course I didn't hear back. I totally screwed everything up then went on to cancel our date. I'm a massive bonehead as you can see. I sabotage a relationship before it even starts, and this is why I fail at them. 

With my head hung low and my tail between my legs I hope to salvage any shred of decency I have left with us and send a message "Hi, sorry about bombarding you with texts last night. I was a bit buzzed and tired. Still feeling the effects of the mango ritas and jack honey today because apparently I can still party like a rock star but can't recover like one lol. How are you on this beautiful day? " Fingers crossed now for a response. A half hour goes by when finally I hear back , and it's grim. "Hi , I'm just chilling today. I really didn't know how to respond to the texts you sent. I was also a lil confused with the mixed messages about what you were looking for. First you told me you were looking for someone to share your life with and you didn't want to be lonely anymore. Then later you said to me you were just looking for a friend, nothing serious. Not sure what I did to give you a bad vibe. I thought we were having a good time together. And when you said you didn't want to go to dinner with me I thought you had changed your mind about me." 

As you can imagine my soul is crushed. Even worse is that I really don't even remember the conversation we had. I just wanted a barnyard buster, not a serious life speech. It was 2 a.m and I've had enough alcohol to put down a miniature pony. At that time I just wanted to feed my face,  put on my pajamas and climb under my comforter. The reason dinner was out of the question was because like I said I needed to regroup. When you reach my age ( forty something) a hangover requires the same amount of time as a minor surgery to recover. Plus he was in the mood for Italian food which is really heavy, no honey..greasy cheeseburgers and Gatorade is what I need at that time. Can I get an Amen and a hallelujah from the back pew? Amen!

Still though I needed to put that game face on for him, damn it he was worth it. So I gathered my thoughts and buckled up for this roller coaster ride and got my texting fingers warmed up. " Nice to hear back from you :) I'm not very good at this as you can see lol. I have a bad habit of sabotaging things before they even start because I'm so used to being alone. Guys take the easy route and just give up. I really do like you though! I guess I should have said I want to be with someone I can also be friends with because the idea of jumping into a relationship is a bit scary to me. You are amazing David and I hope you don't give up on me." I meant that with every ounce of my being. It was like I was in front of a judge pleading my case. Six minutes went by and I didn't hear back so I didn't stop there. "And you didn't do anything wrong at all..I was just intoxicated and not in the right frame of mind. Nobody's perfect but I am pretty close hehe..just kidding ;) " Yes I know this is corny as hell, and cheesy. I would usually never say these things but it's downright insane the things we do for love. A few minutes go by and still no reply, the man is a brick wall. I have to pull out the big guns. "I will understand if you just want to move on but hope we can stay friends :) you're an awesome guy!" attached photo of us from the night we met up on a whim and we both look amazing, we are truly happy in this moment and I tell him "Looking so happy, last night was really fun..thanks again for the invite." 

The minutes tick by like hours at this point. Then finally by the grace of all that is holy and right in the world, three agonizing minutes later, ding. "I never said I was moving on or giving up. Had so much fun with you, I don't want that to stop." and there is that twirling again. I let him know, "You just put a big smile smile on my face, you do that a lot sweetie." and he sends me a kiss emoji. I feel like I just landed on the moon. Maybe I should go into politics even. With skills like these there is no stopping me. Of course I am joking..politics is not for me, we are just crazy about each other and we know it.