The Safety Pin Affair

t w e n t y-s i x - i'm not asking for much

i'll take you to paradise
say you'll never let me g o . . .

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It hit me when I woke up on Sunday morning what happened this weekend.

I slept with Josh. And not just once – a bunch of times.

And not even just sex, we did everything. There's no more intimacy secrets between us. We've seen every part of each other, physically and mentally, I'd say. I broke down my walls and let him in without a care.

What the fuck did I do?

As I sat up in bed with my head in my hands, I scolded myself for it all. For letting my emotions get the best of me, for being weak and giving in, and for probably ruining a great relationship.

Josh is still asleep for now, but I'm sure he'll be waking up soon. It's about 8:45 and I've been sitting up thinking for an hour or so.

One weekend changed everything. One stupid weekend. Three days spent with him in a cabin ruined it all.

Once I woke up and realized that we were heading back home today, it all sank it. For the entirety of this weekend, I've been living off the high that Josh feeds me. The energy he brings, the feelings he stirs up, the emotions I can normally control. Everything goes haywire and I definitely wasn't myself for the past two days.

I was acting like Blair. Like a relationship person – almost like I do this kind of shit all the time. Sleep with a guy more than once, I mean. Gain actual feelings for someone.

So far, I haven't come up with anything that I'm going to say to Josh. I'm just kind of going to wing it, I think. I'll say whatever comes out at the time, because he'll definitely notice I'm not myself anymore when he wakes up. That's something I can't hide.

This weekend was amazing, but now it's over. Back to real life, back to the old grind. Back to me.

And I was ready for it too. Until Josh woke up and flashed me that perfect, sexy, sleepy smile of his.

"Good morning," he drawled, yawning afterwards and rubbing his eyes. I only saw him from my peripheral vision because I was afraid if I looked over at him, I'd crack.

It took a moment for me to find my voice, before I responded with a bleak, "Hi".

He sat up a few seconds later and ruffled his hair around. I could feel him staring at me, but I kept my face forward and blank. He cleared his throat and filled the empty, awkward silence between us. A thing we've never had to experience before because it's always been so damn comfortable with us. But my emotions fucked that up.

"It's supposed to snow today," he tried to small talk, and I wasn't having it.

"Yeah," I answered, my voice hoarse. He just hummed back.

He knows something is up. He's not stupid, that's for sure.

"Did I do something?" He asked innocently.

"No."

He turned to face me more, but I still didn't look at him. "Well... then what's wrong?" He urged on in a soft voice. He cares so fucking much that it hurts.

I let out an exasperated sigh and shook my head, rolling my lips into my mouth. "A lot," I whispered.

"What do you mean?" He got closer to me and tried to get me to look at him. I faced him, but kept my eyes locked on the bed sheets. I sucked in a deep breath before everything came pouring out.