Irredeemable (TeacherxStudent) Andy Biersack

Chapter VII -It doesn't feel like home

I felt really weird when I got home. Not like I didn't enjoy our little game with Andy, but something just wasn't  right. I felt strange knot in my throath and my mouth suddenly went dry as I stepped on the first step leading to my room. "Long time no see. Dinner's ready" I hear almost unfamiliar voice. I haven't heard my mums voice in quite some time but I still can recognize it without looking at her. And it still annoys me to be honest. No rest for me I guess. Fake smile and nice gestures.

I can see my dad with strict face sitting in a head of big wooden dining table. He seems like thinking about something much more interesting and important than not seeing his own daughter for a few days. Typical. I don't even mind anymore. I just quetly make my way to my place and sit down while pretending I am not even in this room nor do I exist. Mum is sill cooking, she called me here earlier because she expects some family talk I guess. She still feels guilty for not having more time for me. I was upset about it when I was younger, but I got used to it and now I actually enjoy being alone. Well maybe not at all, now when I have this thing going with Andy, I enjoy being in his presence and his touch makes me weak in knees everytime even tho I hate people touching me.

But he's different. He has that little something about him that makes me want him more and more. Just thinking about his hot breath on my neck makes me smile. And his sweet velvel lips on mine in perfect harmony. How out bodies fir perfectly together. 

Sacrastic coughing directed to me from my dad snapped me back from my dreamland to not so pleasant reality. "You're home pretty late today young lady" my dad hisses as his cold hazelnut brown eyes buries into me looking straight into my soul. I was scared so I directed my gaze away looking blanky at my fingers bofore I opened my mouth and said: "You're the one speaking." I don't usually backtalk to my parents like this, I am usually just quiet, but since I've met Andy I gain some self-confidence.

My dads eyes started to fill with anger, but deep down in his mind he knew I am right and he can't be mad at me. The atmosphere is suddenly full of nervousity and unasked questions. My mom becomes the saviour of this awkward situatuon when she pours us a chicken soup she's just finished. "Thanks mom" I whisper as a wawe of guilt wash over me. I don't like talking to my parents. They wouldn't undesratd a thing.

Everyone is quietly sipping on their soup obviously scared to talk again. This is the first time as a family this week, we don't need arguments. I feel like a compelte stranger in this so called 'family'. More like 3 awkward people accidentally living under one roof. Well that's not even true. They are always so busy. I feel warmth going up my cheeks as I think about them not being able to chase away monsters under my bed as a child. I don't know if it makes me more sad or more angry. They're trying to compensate me their time with their money, but what's money compared to ruined childhood?

Sounds of plates and spoons interrupted my thoughts as my mom clears the table and starts serving us the main course. Golden chicken with mashed potatoes and fried vegetables. It smell really nice, my mom is a great cook. I feel really upset for some reason now. It just makes me sad that we see eatch other after a week and we're not even able to have a proper conversation. My moom took her time to prepare this meal for us and I can't appreciate it nor can I enjoy it. I don't even taste the food. I only bite, chew and swallow. 

I wanna go to my room now. No. I wanna go to Andys and cuddle him. I need a hug and his sweet kiss. I sigh in frustration all of a sudden, not realizing it. Eyes of both of my parents stare at me with questioning looks. "Sorry" I mumble under my breath: "the food's just too hot." They don't buy it. My mum nervously looks from me to her plate and back but my dad stares only at me with blank eyes. What's their problem today, Jesus? I know we are no perfect family, but today is extraordinary weird. "Has something been bothering you Lucy?" my dad asks. There are no worries in his voice, but the irony is just too strong.

"No, I am fine. Just tired, sorry" I answer too scared to look back into his eyes. I feel really weak, like a failure. Dissapointment. What should I do to make my parents proud and happy? Sometimes it feels like they would be much happier if I just dissapiered. Maybe they didn't want kids. Maybe I am just a mistake. Just a brick tied to them. They can't fullfil their dreams because of me, that's why they hate me. That's why they are always gone and not home with me. Maybe this all is just my fault...

"Lucy, are you okay?" I hear voice in my head. It's a sweet voice, it sure belongs to woman and it sounds familiar to me. But I can't hear it properly because of this loud sharp whisteling. My head hurts and I see black and white flashes. Drops of sweat starts rushing from my forehead and palms, it's suddenly so hot in here. I feel like I can't breathe. "Lucy?" I hear that voice again little louder this time. "Lucy talk to me sweetheart" why is she still calling me?

It took me a few seconds but I finally realized what's happening. Another one of my panic attacks. I have to calm down. But it's really hard to calm down, that's why it's called panic attack for Gods sake. Fuck. My lips are trembling and my whole body is shaking. 'Take a deep breath, it's gonna be alright' I try to think rationaly. 'Count to ten and think about something nice' I still can't catch my breath but I have to clear my mind. 'One, two, three - Andys clear blue eyes slightly covered with his raven black hair - four, five, six - his strong pale arms holding me not to fall apart - seven, eight nine - his velvet lips and sweet innocent smile turning into devilish smirk - ten.' I am back in reality.

All I can see is my worried mum wiping away my tears I don't even know about and my dad only watching his plate and minding his own bussines. I sob quietly as I look at my mum trying to reasure her that I am fine. "I am sorry mum" I whisper and she strokes my hair. "Is it still happening sweetie? You know we could just-" she tries to talk about my therapist again, but I have chills only thinking about that horrible man so I interrupt her quickly. "Mom please. I am fine." I look deep into her eyes with my own red and puffy eyes and give her a smile. Not really honest smile, but the best I can do at this moment.

"And will you be fine alone?" my dad says out ouf nowhere, not looking from his food. I gave him a questioning look before I turned to my mum again expecting some kind of an explaination. She just smiles sadly and starts speaking with shaky voice: "What is your father trying to say is-" she stops, not looking at me anymore, she sighs as shes playing with her fork: "Lucy look, you're old enough to be responsible for yourself. And me and your dad really need to take a vacation. To take a break from all the work. You know we work so much because we love you nad we want only the best for you."

So that's the reason they behave this way today. They are leaving without me. Great. I shrug and I am slowly leaving the table as I speak: "Holidays without me. And you have just come back. Okay cool. No wonder. Why would you even ask me before. I won't bother you, I am sorry. I know that I am the shame of this family, you don't have to try to cover that with apologizes." "Lucy wait-" "No mum, its okay. Really. Enjoy your time. Nice that you don't have to be afraid that I'd throw a party here, because you know I don't have friends. I'll go to my room, tho I doubt that you care. Goodnight." Okay, this was maybe too much I admire that, but it's not fair.

I make loud rushed steps because I am trying to get to my room as quickly as possible. I lock the door behind me and I can already feel new tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't know if I belong here anymore. Crazy idea flashed in my mind but it seems like the only smart solution now. I grab my sweatshirt and phone, searching for Andys number. I smile when I find it and I start to type a short message.

'You up? :)'. Fuck it, if they don't want me here. I won't be here for a second longer. I open my window and stick my leg out of it. I feel the cold breeze in my hair. This is how freedom tastes like. I am looking down from the roof and it's actually so good feeling. It's not a big drop, but I still climb the drip, just to be sure. I look at my phone again. Still no response from Andy, but that's okay. I'll just walk for a while. It's already dark and silent out here. Just how I like it. It's gonna be a pleasant walk.

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This was kinda fast update,I hope you are happy! ^^

I know, no smut here, but you can already say it's gonna be pretty smutty in the next chapter ^^

I feel like writing more, because my mood isn't just great and this makes me feel better

By the way, I have another Palaye Royale fanfic in my mind, but I wanna finish this one first so, stay tuned! ^^ 

-Katie out