Summer Time Sadness #ATL

Sunshine ☀️

Erin•

"You are my Sunshine...my only sunshine..you make me happy.. when skies are gray.."  The world felt still and quiet. I felt like I was floating in a safe, hidden...dark place. But through the fog... the blur of bright light fluttered in and soon nothing but pain became a reality. My eyes rolled around my head in discomfort as I groaned and fought to open my tired eyes. I could hear my Mother's croaking, she considered singing as I fought to open my swollen eyes. My lips felt split and cracked as I attempted to lick them. But when I did, I became painfully aware of a tube taped against the side of my mouth.

I had a tube down my throat.

"Don't panic..it's your Aunt Eve. I know you're just waking up, but relax your heart rate is increasing. I want you to take slow deep breaths, give your body a chance to adjust to its...new situation." I starred up at her, as I struggled to nod but she understood as she clasped my hand.

"It's okay...it's okay." Every single visitor I had, that's what I had to continuously hear. But the one visitor I wanted to see wasn't here. The days came and went and I never saw him. My father was hardly ever there either and all my Mother did was cry. I could hardy remember that night, but I knew it was bad.

I mean obviously I was in the ICU & I couldn't speak.

That much was obvious during my 1st bath. It took them an hour to carefully and fully clean the blood away from my skin and from my hair. By day 10 they removed the tube from my throat, but kept me on oxygen around the clock. I became painfully aware, of the tracheotomy performed on me.

I didn't realize my throat had been slit until they removed the tube from down my throat, and explained I couldn't eat solids for awhile. Furthermore it was possible I'd have to learn how to talk again. They say the cut was deep and he cut into my vocal cords, but the damage was almost superficial and hadn't done any real damage so they say. I ate through a nasal G-tube, that they had taped  against the side of my cheek. I practiced slow breaths to calm my anxiety, until the feed bag was empty. The annoying beeping began as it emptied, and the nurse returned to flush the line clean with cold saline. My eyes followed the Feed bag, that was once filled with my liquidized meal. My belly felt full, but my taste buds were not being pleased. When day 17 came, I had finally had enough.

"Mm..." Still not able to really talk, I reached for my Mother who currently had her face buried in her arms against my bed. She lifted her head with a startle, going to reach for the help button. I grabbed at her, squeezing her hand with as much strength I could, as I stared at her with dead eyes. It never felt like I had enough energy to keep them open anymore, but despite all these meds I had to.

"Here you go baby." Taking the note book from her, I waited until she steadied it with her grip. I slowly began writing my question out. But of course we were interrupted.

"Good evening! Hello Erin, nice to see you awake today. Mom any changes in her overnight, this morning or this afternoon?" I grew frustrated , hostile even when my Mother dropped the notebook. I waited impatiently for her to inform the nurse of any changes, as I looked at the time.

12:12pm.

"Uhm, I noticed her color is slowly coming back, she's staying awake longer and there isn't much blood in her urine anymore. But I am concerned with the fact she hasn't been able to make much sound when she attempts to speak; and her right eye is still very swollen. I mean I understand she's still healing but I can see that it looks like the blood vessels in her eye burst. The entire eye looks ...just bad. Oh & when she tried to have a bowel movement she cried about pain, when the doctor checked her, he saw her stitches had torn. But after shift change, nothing was ever done and the area around her trach & the cut looks raw."  Eyeing the nurse as she lifted the bag filled with my urine, she began her check list. After that, she then began to change any gauze along my body, I sighed as she filled my IV with more pain meds.