The Mistake That Broke Me

Chapter Forty Nine: Diagnosis

Song: Surrender by Malinda

Thank you BlueInfernoDemon for suggesting this song awhile back ;)

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They call it antisocial personality disorder. There are many symptoms to this disorder, and I stare wide eyed, not knowing a clue about something like this as the psychiatrist rambles on and on about Colton's condition.

Colton sat next to me - still and unmoving. He doesn't seem to react, he just stares blankly, as if there's nothing left in his eyes as he crosses his arms over his chest and leans back in his chair.

"Though there are many symptoms, Colton displays about three of them. Two of his symptoms includes aggression and tendencies to fall into criminal behavior. He has told me he has had issues with the law and I've been told that he is easily agitated and gets angry fast. Do you believe this to be correct?" Thy psychiatrist asks, scratching his chin with the end of his pen and leaning forwards ever so slightly. His pale blue eyes looking at me for confirmation.

I nod. "Yes, that is correct." This wasn't the first session Colton has been to. Two months. Two months of therapy and two months of healing for the both of us.

Colton works hard, I see the effort he pours into his life so that he may turn it around. I see the effort he pours into me and the affection he shows me.

It's little, but it's there. 

Colton also has PTSD, I do as well, too. We were first diagnosed a couple months ago, but we've been working together to overcome the nightmares and pain from the past.

Some days are worse than others, but each day seems to be brighter than the last. This is the first session I've been to with Colton, and I realized that both mine and his problems are similar in many days.

He expressed how still to this day, being touched by others sends painful chills down his spine. It reminded him too much of his own trafficking days - when he was just a child in the arms of horrific, evil people who abused him physically, sexually, and mentally.

He admitted that even my touch used to scare him, but he said as trust grew, that fear of me touching him was slowly diminishing.

I realized that I was the same way....I was cautious of men and was easily spooked when men in particular would touch me.

But it seems like trust has played a major role in healing. Mentally, neither one of us are there yet, maybe we'll never be completely healed mentally.

But perhaps the past will become merely memorable scars that no longer ache.

He clenches his fists, anger is brief on his features before it vanishes. He used to argue that nothing was wrong with him mentally, he just wanted to move on with his life and finding that talking about his past to someone just brought back the burning desire to kill those who wronged him.

But little by little, with the help of psychologists and therapists has he allowed his walls to crumble just a bit. It's an eternal battle but its one that should fade - but not vanish - over time.

"I've prescribed him medication that he needs to take every day, it will help with his moods. However, I really think that for this particular case sessions like these will help him feel less closed off and less alone in this problem. Anger management might even help, I can recommend some for you, if you don't mind?" The psychiatrists asks, looking at us both.

It's Colton's choice.

I, too, look at him and he shrugs, seemingly uncomfortable as he lets his hands fidget in his lap. "I don't know....can we just see how these sessions go for a little bit longer? It's too expensive, all of this. But if you both still think I need extensive help after a few months of these sessions, then maybe I'd be willing to do so."